The Day My Son Hit Me

Autism is a spectrum. My son Jayden is on the severe end of that spectrum but what I always have held on to is the fact that he has never been violent, and he still has not intentionally ever hit me in a violent manner. He has swatted at me when making him push through school lessons.  He has pushed me away when he did not want to do something. But he never hurt me, until today.  Today, he kicked me unintentionally when I was changing him and I saw…

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To the Parents who Admit it’s Hard

To the parents who say it’s hard. And talk about the hard. The ones who don’t hide. Or lie. Or fake it. But instead learn from it. And let the hard make them stronger. I see you. To the parents that have figured it out. Or at least figured it out enough. Thank you for helping others. For supporting and lifting up. For answering a midnight text saying, ‘I can’t do this anymore. ‘And reminding them, ‘yes, you can.’ To the parents who don’t judge. Who offer a hand, dinner,…

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The Life He May Never Get To Live

My son, Rowan, will be two in January. At four months old Rowan was diagnosed with Tuberous Sclerosis, a 1/6000, rare, genetic disease that causes epilepsy, tumors to grow in all major organs and development delays including autism. My love for him is bigger than life itself. I want nothing but greatness for him, for him to flourish in every way imaginable. And here it is ladies and gentlemen…the “but” we’ve been waiting for: But… But I hurt FOR him. I cry FOR him. I think about the life he…

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When a Doctor Told Me I Wasn’t a Terrible Mother

So, here’s a thing that happened the other day. I took my son Ivan to the dermatologist to have a look at his moles. We have a history of melanoma in the family and it seemed like the responsible thing to do. Are moles Ivan’s biggest challenge or at the top of our medical list? Heck no! Ivan is totally blind, nonverbal, in a wheelchair and he has uncontrolled epilepsy resulting in multiple seizures a day. We see about a dozen different specialists and dermatology is definitely at the very…

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When the Super Mom Gets Depressed

There is a stigma around depression. A really, really ugly one. And I think there’s especially a stigma around mothers who have depression. If you’re depressed, you’re weak. Broken. You are medicated. You cry a lot. You sleep a lot. This isn’t true. At least not for me. I have a wonderful life. Two beautiful children. Three wild dogs. A wonderful and supportive partner. A beautiful home. I’m not weak. I am strong. I am freakishly independent. And I am not broken…at least not completely. I am not medicated. And on…

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I Am So Proud Of Cooper…

As someone affiliated with Autism I have noticed if I browse through Pinterest or Facebook or any of the dozen support groups I am part of there is often a common theme….having a special needs child changes your life. Or defines you as a parent. Or teaches you lessons and makes you a better person. I’ll be honest. I don’t feel that way yet. I haven’t ever actually. Every day is more like an episode of Ground Hogs day. He typically wakes up before 5 am. My anxiety about him…

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Really Sad Things

This past week Jamie and Sawyer were wrestling on the couch. They were tickling and laughing and I was reading and sorta paying attention. I heard Jamie say something to Sawyer that absolutely took my breath away. Sawyer was babbling about balls and apples and playing ball and going outside. The usual with that kid. And then I hear Jamie say, as he was hugging him, “I can’t wait to take you to baseball games and play ball just like I did with my dad.” It was one of the most…

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What it Means to be a Special Needs Mom….

Morning all, I had to share this. Kristi Rieger Campbell reading “What it Means to be a Special Needs Mom.” This is the BEST description I have ever heard about what I feel. Get ready to cry. Thank you Kristi for sharing your feelings. [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phUwXFcnaL0?feature=player_detailpage&w=640&h=360]

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Stressors in the Home

One of the first things I bought Cooper was a pair of sweatpants from the Gap. I bought them on clearance when I was pregnant with him right after I found out I was having a boy. They are actually a 4T. When I found them I fell in love with them instantly and had to buy them. I never, in my life, thought he would be big enough to wear them. Sure as shit, I dug out the bin of 4T clothes this weekend. I just pulled them out of the dryer…

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An Unlikely Critic

I got really mad at a little girl this weekend. As I write that sentence I realize that you will probably think I’m crazy. And I even made fun of myself after. But, it is what it is. Cooper and I spent the weekend at the lake. (I have more to write about that later.) It was a great weekend. Lots of sun and beach time. My favorite. As we arrived at the beach on Friday afternoon, Cooper let me know that he wanted to swing. There were two bigger…

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