My son, I like to write you these little notes so that one day, when I’m old and gray, and my memory isn’t so good, I can remember you. Your life. And us. You are 13. You are a teenager. When you were diagnosed with autism all those years ago, and the future felt confusing, maybe even a little bit scary, I would wonder what you would be like at this age. Because the teenage years can be interesting. And autism, well it muddles the edges. There are no ‘what…
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There have been a lot of ups and downs during this autism life. The highs are so high and the lows are so low. This causes a lot of emotional turmoil within. There have been some really hard times throughout my autistic daughter, Alyssa’s life. The grief period after diagnosis is devastating. The realization that this is the rest of her life. Seeing all the other kids develop and realizing how behind she is, and where she should be, and although that’s not her path, it doesn’t make it any…
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I’m struggling. There, I said it. The weird thing is, I don’t know everything I’m struggling with. It seems to be a few things, but the one that I think is at the fore front of it all is loneliness. How can I be lonely? I have a beautiful wife that I see and talk to every night. However, it has been quite some time since we’ve had a date night. We get respite sometimes. It’s just never the same person, and I have trust issues. I have two beautiful…
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I get that question a lot lately. It typically comes from someone new to my life. A fellow sports parent. A stranger at a party. A grandparent at the park. See when I tell people I have four kids, ages 2 to 13, people ask questions. What schools do they go too? What sports do they play? Do you know so and so? My son is 13 too! I tell them about each of my kids, with pride and love and humor. I share stories like all moms. The stories…
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Really sweet story I wanted to share with you. My son Sawyer is 11 years old. When I describe him I use words like smart, athletic, kind, and empathetic. I honestly think he got the best parts of his Dad and me. And of all four of my kids, I worry the most about him. That surprises people sometimes when I share that. But he’s my tender one. He carries the most. And he worries the most about his brother Cooper who is autistic. The other day, during a game,…
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I have four kids. My older two are 13 and 11. Brothers. Cooper is 13. He loves trains and DVD cases and bright colored paper. He is part fish and would live in the water if I let him. He does not like sports. Not one bit. But he adores sitting in the sun with a queen sized comforter and a pillow. My 11 year old lives for a party. He plays hockey and baseball and anything competitive. He adores babies and puppies and asking me for Roblox. Talks and…
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Does she know she has been fighting her entire life? She fought to get nourishment and to breathe as a tiny baby. Fifteen years later she continues to fight. Fight for comfort, fight for words, and fight for peace within her own body and mind. Does she know she was born into a world that wasn’t built for her? Does she know I will move heaven and earth to find the right tools to give her so she can walk through this world as safely and peacefully as she can?…
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This morning I walked downstairs to my sweet boy sitting on the couch, surrounded by his treasures. He waved. It was quick though. He was very busy watching his shows. He takes his show watching very serious. Especially on early mornings. ‘Cooper, it’s mom’s birthday today!’ I said. Now I don’t know what I expected. Not words of course. But a cheer. A smile. A gasp. But nothing. He looked back down. It stung. Like a tiny bee sting or a poke in the side. But the pain is duller…
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I committed a pretty big social media mistake once. Well, way more than once since then, but I remember this one specifically because it was my first. It was well over 6 years ago, but I still shake my head at how tone deaf I was. I posted a quote on Instagram to my hundred followers that said something like, ‘I should get a little credit for doing this all unmedicated.’ I thought it was funny, I guess. My followers did not. They lashed out. At first I couldn’t understand…
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As a mama I often feel like my mind is a Rolodex of memories. With four babies, I have so many of them. Births to birthdays, first smiles to first steps. Preschool graduation. Home runs. Road-trips. Some are readily available. Resurfacing often, bringing simultaneous smiles and tear to my eyes. But others, they are buried down deep, seemingly forgotten, until something reminds me. A sound. A smell. Another child. My younger babies doing what the now older ones once did. And there it is. A memory of something not forgotten.…
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