Jamie and I were to be married in the Lutheran faith and had to give up our precious weekend free time to attend a weekend of pre-marital counseling sessions. It was long and seemed completely unnecessary because we were madly in love. The class was centered on ‘deep’ questions that prompted discussion between couples. How would you handle a partner with an addiction? Or a partner who lies? A partner who gambles? The pastor told stories that seemed ridiculous. They were about a wife racking up hundreds of thousands of…
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Hope is a funny thing. It ebbs and flows. It even changes over the years. When I found out I was pregnant for the second time I hoped I wouldn’t miscarry. I hoped for a happy, healthy, ‘like every other kid I knew’, baby. I secretly hoped for a girl too. When I found out I was having a boy at 20 weeks, and that we would name him Cooper, I hoped for baseball games, camping, swimming, biking and fishing. I hoped for endless conversations and a beautiful family. I…
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This kid I tell ya. He’s my one of a kind boy. He brings me a container of ice cream for breakfast. He finds a highlighter and colors on my computer and feels no worry when showing me his beautiful artwork. He puts things in the toilet. He is always happy. Always smiling. And always mischievous. He’s curious. Like take the couch apart curious. He gives out hugs and kisses nonstop. He adores his siblings. And wants to grow up so badly. He wants to be big like Soy. (His…
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There is always next year… At age two we went to a restaurant for the last time. We started early intervention and saw the delays in our sweet boy. At age three he was diagnosed with autism, and we were told all the things he would never do. At age four we locked our house down. Three locks on every single door. Window alarms. Fences. We realized we couldn’t go places outside of our home. We started having aggressions and self-injuring behavior. At age five it got really hard. Life…
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A few nights ago, during family movie night, I found my lap wide open. I wasn’t nursing a baby. I wasn’t holding a wiggly toddler. I wasn’t grabbing snacks or drinks. I was alone, in a recliner, feet up. Now this may not sound rare to most, but as a mom of four, I often feel like my body is comparable to a jungle gym. A few minutes went by before my 9-year-old appeared at my side. He tugged on my sleeve and told me that his cheeks felt hot.…
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Last night after putting my four kids to bed, I found myself staring at this picture from across my living room. Cooper was 8. Sawyer was 6. And my third was just a few days old. The perfect photo of three brothers. Except, it wasn’t perfect. Not in anyway. Cooper refused to touch the baby. He was very scared of him. The baby had been home 7 days at that point and Cooper had yet to really even acknowledge him. He refused to lie down when the photographer asked. He…
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My son Cooper has always reached for a hand to hold when we are in the community. But not just any hand. Typically, mom or dad. He likes to feel safe. He likes to know that we are near. Yes, he is 11 years old and by this point in a boy’s life they typically die of embarrassment when holding a parent’s hand. But not our Cooper. He loves holding hands. He likes the comfort of us walking alongside him. Sometimes we lead. Sometimes he does. But he’s always an…
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I woke up this morning to a text message I didn’t send. The words were still in there. Typed. Staring at me when I unlocked my Home Screen. I quickly thought about erasing them because then I could pretend I didn’t feel that way last night. But, who would that help. Not me. Not anyone. And certainly not another mother who feels the same way. I feel like I’m in a trapped place sometimes. And as a fixer, a doer, a plan maker, it’s really foreign to me. I know…
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A memory showed up in my newsfeed today. A really special one that I never want to forget. It read… Today was a really big day in our little world. Huge really. This morning my son Cooper went to his brother’s school to have his school photo taken by Lifetouch. He has never had a school photo taken before. Because he goes to a therapy center. And that’s one of those little things that stings and feels unfair. Because a school photo matters. To me it does. There’s more too……
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Someone once told me that my husband and I had a third and fourth children as replacements for our oldest son. See the little one on the right there with the mischievous smile? And the little meatball on Sawyer’s lap? Those two. I assume they wrote that comment to hurt me. Or to remind me what a crappy mom I am. Or maybe they were just angry and miserable. Who knows I guess. What a ridiculous statement though. A replacement child. I’m not sure why we would ever replace Cooper.…
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