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I had all four kids alone, from toddler to tween to an emotional 13 year with autism and it was a lot to handle. There was a lot of screaming. There was water play when there wasn’t supposed to be water play. And then wet clothes on the floor. And sand. I yelled. I don’t usually yell. But I did. There was talking back. And throwing. So much throwing. There was ‘mommy will you play with me.’ And a lot of screen time. At one point I looked around at…

I found myself out today in the community with my two of my four children. We were in a group of people. We were quietly sitting. And by quietly, I mean my 5-year-old son was bouncing off the walls and my toddler was chatting up a storm. Just as kids should be. Busy and happy. It was lovely. The three of us out together. I’m stretched a little thin these days so it’s nice to get time with my kids. I found myself looking around. I found myself missing my…

When my son was diagnosed with autism nine years ago, I began to think in nevers. Not right away. But more over time. Now as a typically very positive person, it felt strange. It felt unlike me. But, that’s how the people around us spoke about autism. Your son will never talk. He will never ride a bike. He will never make a friend. I could go on an on. He will never have a normal life. He will never live independently. Never, never, never. With each evaluation for services,…

There are a lot of things that change when you have four child. Many that didn’t surprise me. Your house suddenly feels a lot smaller for one and it’s nearly impossible to find a quiet space. Your favorite car or truck that you have loved no longer fits two car seats and 4 other people and you ultimately have to decide if you are minivan person or not. I am not. I am fighting it. You can no longer fit at the kitchen island for meals. Someone or two or…

My message to the mama who just heard autism for the first time…. Your child has just been diagnosed with autism. Maybe it came as a shock. Maybe not. Maybe like me you already had an idea that something was going on. But you still felt the sting when the words were said out loud. There are so many things I want to tell you. So many important things that I feel you should know. But right now, if you were anything like I was 9 years ago, your head…

Yesterday, our family went tubing. I watched my three year old daughter bravely climb in. Then my five year son and 11 year old son. They squealed with joy and high fived and yelled for dad to go faster. I couldn’t believe it. I commented how fearless kids can be. As we circled the boat, my 13 year old son sat next to me. He watched with bright and curious eyes. He isn’t one to join in. Or always willingly try. I looked from him to his siblings. And then…

I can’t say “I hate autism” anymore. I haven’t said it much, but I have. There are moments when I desperately want to be angry at autism—during a colossal public meltdown, the relentless screaming in the car, when things get broken at home, or worse, when my son can’t cope and it seems like something else has a hold on him and won’t let go. I want to be angry at something. I want to blame this invisible force that seems to inhabit our lives and shadow us everywhere. There…

Take my hand and follow me, Let me show you exactly what I see. The colors all around me are beautiful and white, It’s a blessing and a curse to see light this bright. The background noise that you instantly ignore Screams inside my head the second you open the door. There is no mute or volume down, It’s a never-ending fight of swim or drown. Food can be scary if it is any color but beige, It’s a sensory issue that can’t simply be fixed with age. It’s hard…