There are so many things I worry about when it comes to my autistic daughter. Raising a vulnerable child comes with so many fears. Some of these things are things we all worry about. I have four children and I worry about them all. The intensity and degree of worry when it comes to Alyssa is so intensified. My biggest fear is what will happen when I’m gone. This brings me to my knees, it terrifies me. Me and autism have long battled with control. I like control and so…
Read More
On September 1, 2022, our youngest daughter Lucy was diagnosed on the autism spectrum. Almost exactly two years after her big sister, Opal. It may come as a shock to some, but I have tried to talk openly about how we had concerns that Lucy may be autistic too. Lucy and Opal are complete opposites, and I know to some people that would seem to mean that Lucy couldn’t possibly be autistic, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. Autism is different for everyone. You will never meet two…
Read More
In life we all go through different seasons. These seasons come and go as time goes on. Sometimes we even live in these seasons without even realizing we are in them. When Charlie was younger we lived through a season of train obsessions. He loved trains to no end and would sometimes stay up until the wee hours of the night because he just HAD to play with them. He still loves them now, but the obsession has died down. The train obsessed season has passed. There was a season,…
Read More
I really was anxious about the carpool ride that was arranged to get to the More Than a Caregiver Respite Retreat this past weekend. I was desperate to drive, convincing myself that I probably needed five hours each way to decompress. Even that the silence may help me more than friending. Turns out, I was so anxious about it that my breakup the carpool text never got sent. Then it was too late, these three were on the way, they showed up, we hugged quickly and I piled in. As…
Read More
My husband pulled himself out of bed yesterday morning, quietly pulled his Sunday best from the closet, and went to church while the little man and I slept. We haven’t been to church together since the beginning of our marriage. We haven’t been to church as a family in years. And though I’m proud of him for making that decision for himself on such a random Sunday morning, I am simultaneously conflicted in my emotions. I’m glad he went, if that’s what his heart yearned for yesterday.…
Read More
I see my child running left to right. With an adult like animal chasing after her–one that once was human–strung by an invisible rope–sweating Big, fat drops of sweat born in a long day of keeping up– To my daughter’s erratic steps. The chime and play of the entire school on the blacktop is a world entirely unbeknownst to me—a mirage– I see my child in the wood chips–curiously untamed, naked screaming like a distraught fawn bare shaky on her legs spitting angst at everyone– And the principal hovering–a…
Read More
A week ago, my younger son started playing soccer. My daughter took him to his first practice because I was sick. As I perused the pictures she sent me, it was obvious how much he enjoyed playing. My daughter barely saw him the entire hour he played because he was running around so much. He was having a blast with his new buddy. This soccer program is a program for children with special needs. My younger son has ADHD. His ADHD causes him to have a difficult time paying attention…
Read More
“When are you going to get over this?” My husband calmly asked, as I laid in our bed yet again crying. I can’t remember what event involving our son preceded it; Another evaluation, an elopement, an awkward moment at a family gathering or school, maybe it was another long meltdown. Whichever it was, I was now lying in bed quietly crying and venting to him about all of it. Pure heartbreak and fear. After his question, I knew he immediately regretted asking it, not only because it sounded so harsh,…
Read More
Yesterday, I cried. That’s right, this strong, brave mother who everyone thinks has the answers, cried big ugly crocodile tears. Everything I thought I was doing right was questioned. I went home after yet another meeting for Kyle and went straight to my room, sat on the edge of my bed, kicked off my boots, fell backward, and had myself a good cry. I cried until my eyeliner was streaking across my face. I cried until my eyes were puffy and my head hurt so bad I could barely see…
Read More
Dear Tired Mama, I see you as we pass each other going for that evening walk with your little one and I with mine trying to burn off that last energy of the day. I see you at the playground pushing your little one on the swing . I see you walking the track with your stroller and two kids while staying committed to being healthy. I see you as you are taking a nature walk, climbing boulders, letting your child explore get messy and dirty. Bringing all kinds of…
Read More