I took this video of Cooper last night. We were ‘playing’ trains. I have so many memories of setting up this train track with Cooper and thanking God that he played with something. And telling therapists that he was fine because he played with toys. I was lying to myself. Lying to them. I set the train track up. I put all the trains together. If one thing is off he will destroy the track and throw every single piece. There is no putting things in the trains. No stopping…
Read MoreI’m sobbing right now. I can’t even summarize how this video makes me feel. I’m not there in the journey yet. Every morning Sawyer wakes up and says, ‘Where’s Cooper?” He genuinely cares and wants to see his brother. And my heart hurts every single time because I don’t believe Cooper knows he has a brother. Cooper wouldn’t notice if Sawyer was gone. He wouldn’t question it even in a nonverbal way. I was gone for 5 days last week and got home late on Friday night. When Cooper woke up…
Read MoreCooper started Occupational Therapy last night. More therapy. More forms. More time. More time away from Sawyer. More everything. I want to be positive. I want to trust the process. I want to believe that it will work. But…. I kinda, sorta think I have the only kid that therapy won’t help. Less than a year ago we were doing speech 3 times a week and OT as well. We were doing social groups and ECFE and IEPs and parent groups. And it didn’t work. I think it actually did more…
Read MoreThis is the 4th year that I have been a mama. I spent a good chunk of yesterday thinking about Cooper’s past birthdays. About all the holidays. And Halloweens. God I hate Halloween now. Any event where Cooper has to participate is the devil to me. Expectations kill me. Valentines Day. No valentines for us. And Easter Egg hunts. And then I thought about the future. This kid is going to be five. He has no words. He has very little awareness. He is going to lose his first tooth soon. And…
Read MoreWhen I first started entering the word Autism into Dr. Google it would typically come back with a few key signs….lack of eye contact, repetitive behavior, lack of imagination, etc. I was always tricked by the responses. My son has the eye contact, no repetitive behavior and zero imagination. I used to think it was ALL OR NOTHING. Nope. It’s a spectrum. Super Cooper has NEVER had a repetitive behavior. He’s too busy. Honestly, I’ve only seen him sit a few times and usually he is strapped into a booster seat. The…
Read MoreI was at a retail store this past weekend and watched a mom struggling to manage her son during a meltdown. I started thinking about how not that long ago I would have never, ever, ever taken Cooper shopping. At least not on my own. He would run and shriek and I would sweat and cry and vow to never do it again. And finally, when Cooper was 1 1/2 or so I stopped. We stopped going to restaurants and events and whatever other places people go to. There is a…
Read MoreOur family spent the night at a water park on Sunday. Cooper comes alive in the water. It is the one and ONLY activity that he enjoys more than watching his movies. He puts his life jacket on and bobs around and swims. It’s pretty dang cute. And he is so independent in the water. That is wonderful to see. Usually I am the one talking about autism with people. So I was surprised when we sat down in the hot tub and I heard a women talking with Jamie…
Read MoreI’ve been getting to know a lot of other autism mama’s and as we share our stories there are always some common threads. One is the weight of autism. Wherever you are in the journey you can still feel the weight of having a special needs kiddo. And the weight of the unknown. Sometimes I can’t breathe because I am so scared. Another is the loneliness. And I don’t mean loneliness in the sense of physically being alone because I am never alone. Hell, I haven’t pooped alone in 4 years.…
Read MoreToday is World Autism Day. Whoops. Dropped the ball on that one. I didn’t even know there was such a thing. But I probably should know that…MOMMY FAIL. I am staring at Facebook right now and trying to decide if I want to post anything. If I do, then everyone knows that my son has autism. If I don’t, I feel like I am shaming it. Such an odd feeling. What if people look at it and feel bad for me. For our family. I don’t want that. But everyone should know…right? I’m not embarrassed.…
Read MoreIf you talk with a parent of a special needs child they will talk about their journey. And the diagnosis. For some people they are shocked when the diagnosis comes. For others, it happens more slowly. It evolves I guess. Whichever path you are on there will ALWAYS be parts that hurt. Look at me. I am doing better every day. I really am. But I still have very lows moments and days. Moments where I cry in private. Moments where I watch Cooper closer than I’ve ever watched Sawyer.…
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