I don’t really want to be writing this, because it’s not pretty. I’m somewhat ashamed of this moment, but it’s my truth. “Why can’t you just be normal??” This is what I yelled at my sixteen month old beautiful baby boy. The look on his face is forever sketched in my memory, as it should be. I should never be allowed to forget how awfully broken I was then. Noah had been seeking sensory input at an all time high. Spinning, head stands, making non stop noises {not babbling, big…
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My son has had chronic ear infections since he was 12 months old. Although, for most of the time, I didn’t know. He didn’t communicate it. He showed no signs. He never pulled on his ears. He never had a fever or a cold with them. He was showing us in other ways we just didn’t see it. Ways that are almost impossible to detect in a nonverbal child who may or may not have autism. I am still angry to this day that his pediatrician never figured it out.…
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I want to talk about a topic near and dear to my heart and very real in our autism world…isolation. I remember it started when my son was very young. Back in those days though, we thought he was just a challenging toddler. Autism wasn’t even in our vocabulary yet. We’d joke that he couldn’t sit still or about how busy he was and dream about the days when we could actually leave the house again. We thought by age 4 and 5 he would for sure be able to…
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As a mom of a child with autism, I often feel burnt out, disconnected and stressed. I often feel like a shell of who I used to be. I feel like someone who’s just struggling to make everyday a good day, even when the dark cloud looming over me is incredibly heavy. I’m not fun anymore. I’m rarely spontaneous or enjoyable to be around. I’m not as positive as I used to be and I don’t always see the good in the things that should bring me joy. I feel…
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How do you build your mom tribe? What a question right? Making friends after 30 feels impossible. And then add in a child with special needs and it feels even more impossible. You can’t leave your house. You are perceptually exhausted. No one you know has a child with special needs. It feels like you can’t relate to anyone anymore. I get it. Take a listen as I discuss why it is hard to find friendships and maintain them when you have a child with special needs and how I…
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It was a Sunday night. I had locked myself in the guest room with my mac book. I had had this feeling gnawing at me that something was not right with Sander. He was 2 years and 4 months old. I was a first time mother. I sat staring at the blank space in “dr” google. I thought back on my conversations that I had been having with friends, family members and acquaintances. Talking to my Mom on Christmas, “But Mom, why does Sander only like the wrapping paper and…
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Last week Jamie and I were sitting on the couch after a particularly long day. We had finally got the boys in their beds and had just sat down to watch television. Although, neither of us had the energy to turn it on quite yet. Finally, quiet. Our home is never quiet. Suddenly, Cooper burst out of his bedroom, buck naked, dancing to his Kindle. He twirled. Shouted. Laughed. At one point he realized that he was barefoot and marveled at the feel of the carpet on his feet. I’m…
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I’ll never forget that day. The day that I realized, this wasn’t just a speech delay. That he wasn’t just a boy that was going to develop at his own rate. I’ll never forget the moment, that I actually had to admit to myself, that my son was more than likely, autistic. I chose to be a stay at home mom. My husband and I made that decision, the very moment we found out about Carter. It was something that was important to both of us, so that’s what I…
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A Letter to my son Daniel: It’s hard to believe you are already fourteen months old, as it feels like just yesterday I was holding you in my arms for the first time. I know you are still a baby but I hope to read you this letter one day when you can better understand it all. Watching you grow and reach exciting milestones this past year has healed my heart in so many ways and brought so much joy to my life. You are always smiling and laughing and…
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The number one question I am most commonly asked is…does your autistic son sleep? And if he does, give us your secrets. The questions pour into my inbox during all hours of the night. I’ll look at the time stamp and see 3 and 4 am. I’ll read the words of desperate parents wondering if they are going to survive the sleep deprivation. The answer is yes. He sleeps now. But he didn’t for nearly six years. And, most importantly, I understand. Sleep deprivation or irregular sleep is really hard.…
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