Dear Cooper, I remember the moment it truly hit me that your autism was forever. And not just a word. Or a thing that other people’s kids had. It wasn’t when your mom told me that something seemed off. Or when she did the checklists late at night. I remember I got so mad at her. I defended you. I listened to her say things like nonverbal and delayed and I refused to believe that was you. I couldn’t figure out why she was looking for something that simply wasn’t…
Read More
We were driving home from the birthday party. I glanced in my rearview mirror at Sawyer. He was red cheeked with messy hair. I saw leftover pizza and frosting on his face. He was clutching his giftbag. And I was hoping there wasn’t a whistle inside. I hate whistles. He was talking to his baby brother who was in the carseat next to him. ‘Did you see me jump buddy? I almost touched the sky! You saw me climb the rocks. I was scared though. I don’t like to be…
Read More
When I first learned our sweet, beautiful daughter had autism I felt as if a tsunami had swept me up, taking with it my family’s happiness and peace. I thought from here on, our life would be limited to therapies and hardships. I was frightened and uncertain about our now shaky future. Would our almost three year old daughter ever be able to fully communicate? What type of relationship could she and I have as she grew older? She blends in now, but what sort of behaviors might she develop…
Read More
I am a special ed teacher. I am so fortunate to have my summers off. I look forward to them. After April vacation the countdown begins. I get to spend time with my boys doing all the things they love; going to the beach, swimming, playgrounds, hanging with their cousins and my friends’ children. Only this will not be the case for one of my sons. My 3 year old Dominic will spend a 32 hours a week at his ABA center. He will go to occupational therapy. This hit…
Read More
This one. This one right here. He was the little for almost six years. Now he’s the middle. In a way he’s always been the oldest. He knows that. I know that. It used to be unspoken about. Until one day he asked me. He said, ‘I’m the older brother, aren’t I mom?’ I smiled. I cried. I hugged him. He knew. He loves fishing, riding bike, playing baseball and hockey. He loves being away from home. Being gone. Doing stuff. Socializing. He has no time for movies or iPads.…
Read More
Before we had our third baby we knew there was a chance. When I googled, it said something like a 25% chance. That number felt high. Really high. So high, that my husband and I fought about it. We cried about it. We debated. We rationalized. We prayed about it. One day I would say let’s go for it. And he would say…we can’t handle two kids with special needs. The next week I would be exhausted from therapies and behaviors and say…we can’t risk it. Two kids is perfect.…
Read More
My dear, sweet Harper. Where do I even begin. You were my first born, my first true love. When I found out that I was pregnant, I thought about all of the things that you would do. I wondered what you would be like. Would you be smart like your Daddy, sassy like your Mama? Would you play t-ball, go to dances, have a girlfriend, go to college, get married, have children of your own? I pictured it all. In my head…I could see it. I could see you, out…
Read More
When Jack Higgins’ high school graduation approached, his parents, Barbara and Patrick Higgins, wanted him to attend. Like my son Cooper, Jack, 21, has severe autism. His parents worried that he’d struggle at a loud, crowded event. But, the Higgins dreamed of seeing their son walk across the stage and receive his high school diploma. I have this same exact dream. And while my son is only 8, in many ways I’ve accepted the possibility it may never happen. “When you have a severe disability, like Jack does, you miss…
Read More
‘You must love him differently,’ she said. I looked at her curiously when she said that. ‘Why?’ I asked. ‘Because he needs you so much more than the other two. Because of the autism.’ I didn’t know what to say at first. She went there. Without fear. Without hesitation. I smiled and said, ‘I love him because he’s mine. I don’t love him any more or less or any different than his brothers. Autism has never changed a thing with my love for him.’ I love him because he made…
Read More
With your brother Sawyer, I can fix everything with a Band-Aid and a hug. He falls off of his scooter? A Band-Aid, a kiss and a hug will do the trick. It’s all textbook. He’s six years old going on 12. His world is bike riding, baseball, friends and BeyBlades. His world doesn’t make sense to you. But with you Cooper, the problems are so different. You’ve never fallen off a bike. You’ve never had a friend steal your toy. You’ve never skinned your knees. Not only do you refuse…
Read More