Last night, I saw my sweet boy for the first time as a grown young man. My dream was so real. Until now, I really hadn’t been able to picture him outside of toddlerhood. I kind of blame that on autism. Maybe it’s the language barrier between us, or the discomfort of not knowing exactly what his future looks like. For some reason I just couldn’t picture him, or didn’t allow myself to try. He was big, taller than me. Happy and gentle. And strong. He clung tightly to my…
Read More
The great autism divide within the special needs community is disheartening. There are those who embrace the neurodiversity movement, who most likely identify as being autistic themselves and who have what would’ve been Aspergers Syndrome prior to the DSM-V changes (now mild autism). Those in this category tend to be proud of who they are and can communicate most of their everyday challenges and struggles. The other category of autism are those who identify as having “moderate autism”, who struggle socially like those who identify with mild autism, but have…
Read More
As a blogger, a mommy blogger, I get shamed for many things. Most is to be expected. And very, very little surprises me these days. For example, I know if I share a photo of my kids eating off a paper plate I am going to get an earful because I am personally destroying the earth. I know to never share a photo of my kids in car seats. And if I do share a photo of them in the car, I know I will get yelled at for driving…
Read More
I used to lie in bed at night trying to figure out if this will be all okay. Severe. Nonverbal. Autism. Anxiety. ADHD. Long term care. Guardianship. A whole lotta words. Scary words. Sometimes I wonder how one little 8 year old boy can have so many descriptors. What they really mean, when you add them all up, is that you will have challenges that you will have to overcome. But more importantly, they mean the world isn’t designed for you sweet boy. You will spend your whole life trying…
Read More
I see you. Walking in front of me. You are here with your family. Your significant other to the right of you and your toddler walking in front of you. It’s the perfect day to visit the aquarium. It’s a Monday and not busy at all. That’s why we are here too, on a Monday. You see, my son, Zachary has autism. Severe nonverbal autism. We like to go to places when the crowds are low and so is the noise. I know you see us too. You have turned…
Read More
As my youngest baby’s first birthday approaches, I find myself thinking a lot about Cooper’s early years. He’s almost 9 now. If he went to public school he would be in third grade. A big boy. Double digits not far off. I look at this photo and I remember the desperation I had back then. The worry, fear and dread rolled into one fake smile plastered on my face. In a way my memories are starting to dull. The details not quite as sharp. The pain and worry not quite…
Read More
In a blink, seventeen years have come and gone so quickly. This year is your senior year and I couldn’t be more proud. You are happy and finding your way. You have friends, are learning skills to work and even talk about living with friends, not to mention you talk nonstop. It brings me to tears for more reasons than one. Those earlier years were so tough. You couldn’t talk until you were seven, but now I swear you make up for lost time. Time seemed to go by so…
Read More
It’s 12:49 pm here. I just crawled into his bed and wrapped my arms tightly around him as he sleeps. A much needed nap. I feel his deep breaths go in and out against my chest. His course hair tickling my chin. The smell of syrup still on his cheeks, now covered in salt from crying. The smell of sweat. He is drenched. I let my breath out. The one I’ve been holding for over an hour now. We are home. Everyone is safe. We survived. On this beautiful Saturday…
Read More
My name is Kate and my beautiful baby doesn’t sleep through the night and there is nothing wrong with him. I feel a relief just saying that out loud! There is this weird stigma around babies who sleep. Or don’t sleep. Like some moms get good babies and some get bad babies. Or babies who don’t sleep through the night have something wrong with them. Or the parents are doing something wrong because their baby wakes up to eat or snuggle or have a dance party at 3 am. It’s…
Read More
My son I have a confession to make. Back when you were little, I used to dream about a you without autism. I was lost, and sad. Worried and confused. And I thought that there was a you, deep inside, that didn’t have autism. I would search for him. I would think, once I find that you, this will be all better. I just have to try harder. I was going to do everything in my power to get to that you. The you who talked. Who played. Who made…
Read More