I want to thank the people who see my son. The people who ask how he is doing. Who on a Facetime say, ‘Let me see the boys. And Cooper too.’ Because while Sawyer and Harbor are demanding to talk and be seen, Cooper is not. Thank you to the people who wave to him on the street and say hi without needing a response. Who talk to him, even though they know he won’t answer back. Who aren’t afraid of his protesting at the park and instead ask him…
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This morning I saw a commercial. It was for some insurance company. Perfect family, house and kids. The oldest graduating from high school. The tag line something like…these are the moments we prepare for. The only moments that matter. I’ve been thinking about it all day. My mind keeps going back to it. The only moments that matter… First day of school. Graduation. A college acceptance letter. First job. A promotion, Marriage. Babies. Retirement. But what if a person doesn’t achieve those moments? Does their life not matter? My son…
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Sometimes I wish we didn’t have to fight; fight for services, for inclusion, for equality. But I know that is not the case. We will always have to fight because my 4 year old, nonverbal son diagnosed with autism will never be fully accepted by everyone, and that makes me so incredibly sad. I am reminded of this from time to time and every time it stings. This week I was reminded again how the neurotypical world doesn’t quite understand and accept my son. Franklin has been in an Early…
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I used to be so scared of different. Of standing out. I preferred to blend in. Not rock the boat. But you kid. You changed all that. You were born to stand out. To be different. When you were little I’d get so scared. The fear would paralyze me. We’d be in a waiting room or at a park. Everyone else would be sitting. Or playing quietly. You’d be flapping. Or making happy noises. Moving chairs. Eating sand. Twirling. Never sitting. Screeching. Grunting. Laughing at sounds or colors. You’d drop…
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An elementary school friend of mine has a daughter not much younger than my own. These days, we only connected through social media and a shared love of our small hometown memories. My daughter had a major speech delay; so did hers. We bonded over the similarities. Her daughter Harper was diagnosed with autism; with a lot of speech therapy–my kid learned to form words. When Kate was old enough to learn about autism, we started discussing it. I mean, we started discussing it before three. She asked all…
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These words hit me like a ton of bricks. Like a wrecking ball to my soul. It felt like my world came crashing down on me and I was drowning in quick sand all at the same time. Even though I already knew in my heart that my son had Autism. After all I was a teacher of students with Autism for 21 years at that time so I could tell Cole was not developing skills he should have had by age 2. He did not speak or make intelligible…
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We were standing in a group of friends. Sawyer and I. Waiting in line with five other families. Dozens of kids. I watched him subconsciously glance around. Taking it all in. I wonder if he ever realizes that most of these kids, his friends, are his brother’s age. 8. They are talking about scary movies, Pokémon cards and mini doughnuts. As kids do. Part of me thinks he doesn’t even realize Cooper’s age. Probably because his favorites are Barney and First Word Books. I get it. He tugged on my…
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Our family had the best day celebrating Harbor’s first birthday. As I watched him devour his cake I thought back to a year ago. I was so scared. So nervous. A baby. A third boy. How would we ever have enough time and energy for another one. And what if. Oh, the what if’s. The elephant in the room always autism. What if Cooper was aggressive? What if he got worse? What if he couldn’t handle the crying? We actually had contingency plans. Scenarios. Plans. We’d have to put a…
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There are many first in our children’s lives. Some we take note of and some we don’t. Most just happen without a second thought. It’s not like that in our world. My son has had to work hard for every single milestone. This is the first time I’ve seen my son independently play. He is working towards iPad time. He’s been at it for 15 minutes now. Sitting. Problem solving. Spelling. Puzzling. Trying. Babbling. There are no words to express how shocked and proud I am of him. How natural…
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In my 36th year I am struggling with: Accepting that my 36-year-old body, the one that delivered 3 healthy, big boys, is never going to look 25 again. I’m getting older and I never thought I would be a person that would care about that. Sleep deprivation. I’ve been tired for almost 9 years. Awake multiple times a night and up before 5 am every single day. It’s taking its toll. Some days I don’t know how I am going to clear the cobwebs from my brain and find the…
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