Rediscovering My Spark: More Than a Caregiver Respite Retreat at Moon Beach

I used to be a different person. Extroverted. Vibrant.

People used to say that I bounced when I walked.

I had dreams and goals.

I knew who I was and what I wanted to have in my life.

I knew what I enjoyed and had hobbies.

I made time for myself.

I laughed a lot, and loudly.

I smiled a lot.

I have worked in healthcare since high school. My job was everything to me. I lived for helping others and being there for them. I lived for the absolute joy it brought me to bring light and sunshine to others.

I haven’t felt like that woman in a long time. Five years to be exact. When my son was diagnosed with severe non verbal autism, I lost a lot of my spark.

A lot of the things that made me, me. My personality slowly faded away.

Autism shook me. It changed me. It turned me to the polar opposite of the person I once was.

Like one would shake a tree and see all of its pieces slowly fall to the ground. Leaves, twigs, acorns, and fruit. All the pieces that made me a person.

I slowly watched life flee from my body and face, and I became somebody that I didn’t even recognize anymore. Isolation set in.

Our family differences became clear and obvious. My friends slowly disappeared from my life. I gave up the job I loved to become a stay at home mom out of medical need.

I was now shy and reserved.

I was full of fear and doubt.

I was scared and alone.

I was sad and angry.

People think that you can’t feel alone when you’re surrounded by people, and I was, but I’m here to tell you that this life can make you feel like you’re standing in a crowded room screaming and nobody hears you. I didn’t know that I would ever find the girl who remembered she was also a person, and not just a special needs mom.

I just returned home from a weekend long retreat for special needs caregivers like me.

A retreat that’s now become my self care, and a place where I’ve started finding myself again.

A place that is so magical because it brings others who feel like me back to life.

A place that shows caregivers that they aren’t alone.

A place where you don’t need to share your story to be understood.

A place where joy is found in moms who didn’t know if they had any left.

A place that is helping me remember who I once was and the person I love being.

This is my second year attending Moon Beach camp in St. Germain, Wisconsin.

It’s where I’ve learned that it’s not selfish to still be me, and it’s okay to still have dreams and goals that aren’t just for my children.

In this world it’s so easy to lose yourself.

To become so incredibly dedicated to your loved ones that you’ve slowly lost what also makes you happy and joyous.

And while this retreat doesn’t wipe my slate clean of my struggles within autism, it gives me the tools I need to climb up the mountain in front of us.

What I’m seeing is that being a part of this community is an absolute gift. It wasn’t wrapped in a pretty bow.

I had to go out and find it and get myself there, and I did, because the woman inside me still longs for helping others and longs for the smile she once had.

I didn’t know that I would find my smile tucked in the middle of the woods in Wisconsin, but it was there.

I’m finding myself again. It’s everything. I’m slowly letting go of the guilt of being away from home, because I know it’s what keeps my spark alive.

These moms are everything to me. And I haven’t even met all of them yet.

It doesn’t matter.

They are contributing pieces to my puzzle in life. They’ve helped me find my smile and find the life that was still inside of me.

The girl who was tucked so deep down I didn’t think anyone could see her.

This retreat is organized by an incredible foundation called The More Than Project.

It was created by the amazing Kate Swenson and Amanda DeLuca who are also walking alongside many of us on this journey.

Women who recognize the special needs caregiver and all that she is inside and out.

Women who are absolute beauty and grace and also share similar struggles and fears as I do.

Women who know how important self care is, and finding your spark again.

Women who connected me to a new view on my life filled with multiple connections, supports, and joys.

The girl I once was had dreams, and she was sad when she thought she had lost them.

What I didn’t see then was that my life had been mapped out for new dreams. A new spark.

Dreams I never had imagined.

Dreams that involved a smile so big that my face hurt.

Dreams that involved mom friends scattered across countries, but still always connected at the heart.

Dreams that meant I would find my tribe.

I encourage anyone and everyone to find the thing that brings back your spark. That you find so much joy and happiness out of it that you can’t stand how good it makes you feel.

You deserve to be you.

You deserve to be happy.

You deserve to live.

You deserve to have a spark and dreams.

Kate signed “You are an absolute ray of sunshine” in my copy of her book Forever Boy. Words that brought me so much happiness because she saw me.

She saw the spark inside of me. She saw who I longed to be again. And she is in these pictures.

My gratitude for these two women is beyond words.

Written by Nikki Magnan of Big Little Logan