July 19, 2023
Parenting Autism: Is It Grief, Jealousy, or Envy?
Our family has settled into life with autism. We know that when we go on an outing we need to be prepared for all scenarios. Honestly it has become second nature.
It is how we operate. We accept it.
Last night I was watching a TV show. It was featuring a family of four who were preparing to move ‘off the grid’ in Alaska. Their oldest child was maybe seven or eight. Their youngest was around two (a year younger than Lexi).
As I was watching this family with their two children I was shocked. The two year old just stayed right by them, played in the snow, interacted with the older sibling, showed off neat things he found, and didn’t scream about wearing snow gear. I was blown away.
As I watched I was getting anxious. I was ready for the child to start acting like Lexi, doing things and responding to scenarios the way she would.
Then I realized it.
I realized how challenging Lexi truly is.
I realized we have a child who has special needs.
I realized how hard my husband and I work at parenting.
I realized how differently we go about our day.
I realized how different our lives are as we navigate with autism.
Our family has adapted to life with autism. Like I said previously, it seems second nature. We have our balance.
We make it work.
But, as I watched that family, I was blindsided with emotions. I’m not sure if it was grief or jealousy. I’m not sure if it was envy or heartache. Regardless, the emotion caught me off guard. I wasn’t prepared for it.
I often feel like I have overcome the challenging emotions that come along with a child who has a neurodevelopmental diagnosis. However, every now and again something hits me. It strikes out of left field. Unexpected emotions. All stemming from something as insignificant and trivial as a dumb TV show.
That realization. Knowing our family is not “normal”. Is hard.
I know it seems silly. I know our family is doing well. I know Lexi is making progress. I know we are very fortunate. Things are good. I am thankful. But, I also know how hard we work at it.
How much energy and effort we put into everything. How we are constantly preparing for every scenario. How much planning takes place for everything.
I wouldn’t change our life with Lexi. I love our life with Lexi. I share so many amazing things that happen. However, it is important to talk about the hard stuff too. Not everything is sunshine and rainbows. It is important to bring awareness to the challenges as well and the successes.
It is how we learn, heal, and accept.
So this feeling… grief, jealousy, envy, sadness…whatever it is. I’ll sit in it, I’ll process it, but I won’t wallow in it.
I’ll pick myself up, I’ll brush it off, and I will move on, because I am Lexi’s Mama and she needs me to be strong. And that is exactly what I am!
Written by Elissa McFarland of Life with Lexi
