July 2, 2023
Does He Understand Everything I Say?
‘Does he understand everything I say? Because sometimes I can’t tell mom.’
My oldest son Cooper was diagnosed with autism at age three.
It wasn’t a surprise by the time the psychologist said the words out loud.
He had no words. He didn’t play with toys or acknowledge other kids. He flapped his arms and never stopped moving. He seemed to dislike sleep. Technology was his world.
It was as if this world made absolutely zero sense to him.
Severe, level three autism with a language impairment. That’s what the psychologist said.
His diagnosis evoked a lot of emotions.
Fear for one. Worry. Sadness. Relief. Anger. Motivation. Confusion.
I would later learn that each of those emotions is normal. And that when you add them all up they equal grief. A unique kind. A complicated kind.
And I would later learn that grief is love. Love for a boy. A perfectly made and misunderstood boy.
Yesterday on a drive my two middle boys asked me questions about autism.
They always seem to happen in the car.
The littlest one asked if someday he would have autism too.
My second son, who is 10, asked deeper questions. Ones that are harder to answer perfectly.
He asked why his brother has autism. And if it will get better. Or harder.
And then he asked what Cooper understands.
I told him everything. Cooper understands everything. I explained how we must presume competence. Always.
And that not being able to talk does not equate having nothing to say.
I watched tears well up in his eyes.
‘Mom, I’ve said things before to him. Not nice things. I thought he didn’t understand. I messed up mom.’
There is no manual for this life. No guidebook. Just a family raising four kids. Three boys and a girl.
And seeing autism through everyone’s eyes. Glimpses.
I wish I could make it easier for him. Ease the unique grief that he’s feeling. But I can’t. Because it’s not mine. It’s a sibling’s love.
All I can do is answer his questions. Model love and patience and kindness.
‘You are an amazing brother Sawyer. Cooper is so lucky to have you here, asking these questions.’
Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook.
