April 25, 2023
A Bad Day: ‘We Need You to Come Get Him’
One minute and 3 seconds.
That’s how long the voicemail was from the school today. About my son. Cooper. He is 12 years old. He has severe nonverbal autism.
It wasn’t the first. It won’t be the last. It was kind. And came from a place of love and concern.
We live in the special education world. I call it a secret world. And it truly is. I’m not sure anyone would deny it. Because I am raising three other small humans and have never experienced anything with them like the joy and loss that comes with having a child who is different.
Special education.
It’s not a place. It’s not a destination. It’s a being. It’s IEPs and inclusion and exclusion. It’s wonder and hope. Its people. It’s a boy. It’s death by a thousand papercuts. It’s magic. It’s a missing photo in the yearbook. It’s angels on earth. It’s dread when the phone rings. It’s a silent prayer from a parent.
Today is my birthday. 40. You’d think I’d have it down by now. But I don’t.
See I know my son better than I know anyone on this earth. But I don’t know why school is hard some days. And perfect other days.
Nonverbal. Nonspeaking. It could be anything. It could be nothing. Or something. Or everything all at once.
I set the weight down today. The one I carry. And had lunch with two dear friends. Laughter and feeling happy. But then…
A missed call. A 425 area code.
The school.
A sinking feeling. Worry. Fear. Frustration. Anger.
A bad day.
A very bad day.
But no real reasons why. Just hurt. Just a report. Very few details. But it wasn’t good.
‘We need you to come get him.’
Some days I wonder if I’m strong enough to keep fighting. To think of ideas of how to fix it.
Am I brave enough to keep going. Part of me wants to keep him home forever. Keep him safe. But it goes against everything I believe.
He needs to be in this world.
‘He is doing his best.’ That’s what I want to scream. Plead.
But his best, may not be good enough for a world that he doesn’t understand.
I’m sorry.
Please believe in him.
Don’t give up.
Every feeling possible.
I felt my age today. All 40 years. How many phone calls like the one today. Emails. Reports.
A yellow haired boy discussed around a table.
But tonight. After all the hard. The tears. The worry. The wonder. The failure.
He got my attention.
And used his fingers to say the words his mouth cannot.
‘I’m sorry mom.’
And the fire in me screams again…
He is worth it.
Tonight I give up. Tomorrow, I will try one more thing. Because he is worth it.
Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook.
