December 5, 2022
You Have Not Failed
I had the honor of meeting with a doctor a while back. A very important doctor. I was telling him all about my Cooper.
What we’ve been through. I started at the beginning.
He didn’t sleep. Not ever. Everyone told me it would get better. They said I was exaggerating. Only I knew I wasn’t.
I told him it took Cooper six years to sleep through the night. And even today, it’s still a struggle.
I told him about the burst ear drums. One after another. How no doctor would get close enough to him to know. And how I didn’t know. Until they burst. His own mother. Doctor after doctor. No answers as to why.
I told him about the stomach struggles. How I later learned he was drinking so much milk it was destroying his gut. Surgery after surgery. No answers. No one cared about why. Their answer…‘because, autism.’
I told him I couldn’t get him to sit still. Not for even a minute. How he spent his whole day, from 4 am to 9 pm, pacing our house. Every day the same. Like he was on a track. Kitchen, living room, stairs, landing, bedroom and so on.
I told him about the anxiety. And the adhd. The apraxia. The aggression. The self injuring. The behaviors. He chuckled over the bathtub phase.
The worry. The fear. The love. It all came out while I fidgeted with my pen and notes.
I told him at age six I had had enough. I said no more. Never again would I allow another person to give me the answer, ‘because, autism.’ I told him how I went a bit crazy. I yelled. I researched. I drug my child out of appointments. I vowed to get answers. I made it my mission to help him.
I told him I had failed more times than I could count. I couldn’t get people to see my boy. Doctors. Teachers. Therapists. Strangers. Friends. Family. I couldn’t get them to see him. To help him.
I told him about the guilt I have. For the hard years. For his struggles. For his pain that I didn’t know about. I waited to long to try meds. Because of my insecurities. I should have never sent him to kindergarten. But I did.
He cut me off right there.
He said, ‘You need to wipe that word from your vocabulary Kate. Failed? Failure? You did everything you possibly could as a parent with information you had. Failure? Far from it. You did everything you knew how to do to help Cooper. And you never gave up.’
I was stunned really. No one, not in 11 years, has ever said that to me. In one 45 minute meeting he validated me like no one has ever done before. And honestly, I never expected anyone to do so.
And since I have never heard that, I’m guessing other parents haven’t either. And I’m guessing they feel guilt like me. For not knowing. For not being able to fix it all.
So, mom, dad, grandparent, you have not failed. Whether your child is 4, 9, or 39, you have not failed. You are doing everything you possibly can to help your child with the information and resources available to you.
You are refusing to give up. And you are doing a great job.
We all need to wipe the word ‘failed’ from our vocabulary. Switch it to tried. I tried. Or learned. I learned.
And I’m going to try again. And keep trying. For the rest of my life. Because me son needs me too.
He is worth it.
This post was written by Kate of Finding Cooper’s Voice and author of Forever Boy. Grab our book to learn more about our journey.
