Being The Mother, I Never Imagined I Would Be

Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mother.

I started writing names down that I wanted to name my kids.

I began thinking about what sports they would play.

Planning playdates and birthday parties.

I had my whole motherhood planned out by a young age.

I never dreamt of having a child who possibly would have special needs or be considered medically complex.

Being the mother, I never imagined I would be.

My dreams for my children have changed from when I was a young girl.

I have a new perspective on motherhood that I must navigate on my own.

I never was taught on how to prepare let alone be a mother to not one but two children with extra needs.

Instead of planning playdates, I am planning multiple therapies for my children.

I consider myself a professional “juggler” because I have so many items, I am juggling around that must be finished quickly or things will begin to crumble to the ground.

Being the mother, I never imagined I would be.

Let’s talk about how much PATIENCE’S being a mother needs then add children with extra needs you need quadruple the amount of a typical parent needs.

Patience for your children.

Patience for your husband.

Patience for your family.

Patience for your friends.

Patience for yourself.

Being the mother, I never imagined I would be.

I never imagined I would be going through so many emotions being a mother.

I feel like I am on a rollercoaster that goes extremely high then falls straight down without warning.

The feelings of sadness because you are mourning what you dreamt your child or children would become.

The feelings of guilt because your mind makes you feel like it is all your fault.

You began to ask yourself, “What did I ever do to deserve this?”

I remember asking myself, “Why God?”

WHY WHY WHY WHY?

Being the mother, I never imagined I would be.

The feeling of anger consumes your every thought because your child or children’s life was taken from them.

I remember all these feelings like it was yesterday.

Crying for hours.

Crying for days.

Mourning the loss of what I thought my children should be.

I would not change my children for the world because they are my world.

I may have never imagined being the mother to two children with extra needs, but I can say I am the mother they have always imagined.

I am a mother that loves them dearly.

I am a mother that advocates hard.

I am a mother that protects them.

I am their mother, and I can see how much happiness I bring for my two beautiful children.

I am their mother, and that is all I can ever IMAGINE now.