November 1, 2022
Losing Yourself In Motherhood
I am a mom.
I am a special needs mom.
I am a wife. A sister. A daughter. An employee. A friend. An advocate.
But who am I? Really? Strip away the titles and what is left?
What do I enjoy doing when I have alone time?
What makes me feel good about myself?
What do I feel best wearing?
What snacks or food do I prefer?
The realization that I don’t know any of this anymore hit me extremely hard recently. I feel lost.
Being a parent your life is constantly revolving around your children. Where they have to be, when do they need to be there, etcetera. Being a special needs parent brings a whole other set of to do lists and priorities.
I have a never ending to do list. My kids don’t get to get dropped off at 9am and picked up at 5pm like their cousins or our friend’s children.
It is a constant back and forth while fitting in other high priority to do list items… like work…like quality time with my husband or friends. I feel like I’m constantly failing at all other things. How can I prioritize my wants when I don’t even know what they are?
…I mean, I even forgot to pick up Storey from her infant development class today. I was mortified.
I have clinically diagnosed Anxiety. I see a therapist, I take Zoloft but when things aren’t complete or I feel like I’m failing, I tend to go overboard and try to ‘fix it.’
Like today, after I realized I forgot to pick S up, I started going down a rabbit hole on how I can make sure that doesn’t happen again. When in reality, It was an honest mistake. I had a busy day at work, my husband and I didn’t prioritize talking about it and lost track of time.
I need to find a way to make my efforts and to do lists manageable. I need to remember that I matter. That it is okay to ask for help. That I am a person and my needs and wants matter too. I need to get back to finding what outside of my children and family makes me happy.
Remembering that prioritizing myself doesn’t mean I’m deprioritizing my children and their needs. So what am I going to do about it?
Start small.
Make space for alone time to explore and do my best to communicate appropriately to my loved ones (while trying to not feel bad.)
If something makes me feel good, I’m doing it without asking permission (unless it is something that would greatly impact others.)
Trying to read at least 10 minutes a day to help me wind down before bed.
Scheduling zooms with my other special needs mama friends.
I started a book club with a few of my local friends and we get together once a month to drink wine, talk about the book (sorta) and enjoy each other’s company without distractions.
And we will go from there…
What’s that quote?… “You were someone before you were a mom and that person matters too.“
