My Fears for My Autistic Daughter

There are so many things I worry about when it comes to my autistic daughter. Raising a vulnerable child comes with so many fears.

Some of these things are things we all worry about.  I have four children and I worry about them all. 

The intensity and degree of worry when it comes to Alyssa is so intensified.

My biggest fear is what will happen when I’m gone. This brings me to my knees, it terrifies me. 

Me and autism have long battled with control. I like control and so does autism. 

More often than not autism wins, it defeats me and takes away my control. 

I am there to soften the blow, to pick up the pieces and to make it okay. Not being there to do that for her is unimaginable.

I think deep down under the surface there is another fear aside from her physical safety.

It’s a really simple one and I don’t know if it will be truly understood by those outside our world.

Of course I worry about her vulnerability and her innocence. I worry about her safety.

Her potential medical issues and how complicated the lack of communication will be.

But what I feel the most afraid of is her loneliness.

I fear that her sweet disposition, and prompt dependency will make it easy to ignore her, forget she is there.

That it may be too easy to just let her be. That she will be sitting at a table and people will just walk on by.

I know she is loved and I have no doubt that will not change, this girl is easy to love.

But will she feel as loved as I make her feel. Will she laugh the way I make her laugh?

The connection, the bond I have with her is so strong. 

When you love someone who is nonverbal you have to find other ways to connect. The emotions are stronger, more authentic. Almost heightened.

I fear she will be lonely. It breaks my heart to even think about it.

How would she understand this feeling? I hope she never does. I hope she is loved and cherished always.

She has three siblings and they all have different bonds with her.

My youngest daughter understands her and that brings me great comfort. She doesn’t always have the most patience but I see that she is in sync with her.

This is something I can’t teach. There is no letter or video that can explain this.

As long as I am here I will advocate for her. I will be her voice and give her all the experiences I can.

I will foster her independence and help her learn to communicate as much as possible.

When I turn her over, I just ask don’t just love her, make sure you see her, and she feels you.

 Don’t let her be lonely.