Ongoing Acceptance of Autism

On a sunny Thursday afternoon I was reminded of the ongoing acceptance of my seven year old son’s autism diagnosis.

I took my daughter to the park across from my son’s school thirty minutes before we picked him up, so she could play.

It just so happened that my son’s class was out on the playground where I could see him and his classmates.

As peeked over every so often I tried to be careful that he didn’t see me. I watched him and his fellow autistic students play.

Anyone else watching from my distance would just see children playing on the playground but I could see the differences from a far.

I saw so much beauty.

These kids each took to the playground in their own way. There was a delicate dance in the way they whirled around each other, all within their own space. Every so often they met, to engage and play together in a game of chase or on the same piece of equipment.

I smiled as one amazing para ran around with the children. Coordinating their interactions with one another, making sure everyone was having a good time.

Then I watched as my son did something he often does; he was at one moment playing with another child and then suddenly walked away mid play.

I don’t know why but I turned a little dark inside.

I let the beauty slip.

I could only think of what wasn’t there; Groups of children chatting, childish games being made up, competition and friendships being built or broken.

Suddenly I yearned for normalcy.

I imagined my son talking to another little boy or girl about Pokémon or superheros.

Deep inside I wished he could play with friends without help.

The painful fact that he didn’t really have anyone he called a friend stung. I wondered how he felt about that. Then felt the sting of the fact that I didn’t know because he cannot communicate his feelings to me.

Then the whistle blew, I snapped out of it and I grew angry at myself.

I know it’s okay that my son is different. I love my son for who he is, and so much more than I could explain, but in those moments I slip backward.

Allowing my mind to go there feels like a betrayal to my child.

I wanted to share this experience because this is where I am at in my journey, as the parent to an autistic child.

It is the ongoing acceptance of autism.

As a blogger and advocate I preach and practice all day the value of my son’s differences. I fight for him. I am so grateful for my son and everything he has taught me and the people around him.

Nevertheless sometimes I fall back to the beginning; to the time before I knew the good and the acceptance. When I only wanted what once thought was going to be.

Though I have reached acceptance in many ways it will always be an ongoing process, because there will always be little and big moments of sadness and loss. 

I can’t apologize for it. It simply happens to me and that matters because it is my experience.

My truth.

I have to feel it in my own space. I have to acknowledge it because that is where progress lies.

If you are in a similar place I hope you can find that space for yourself too.