I Was Judgmental of Another Mom

Today, I was judgmental. Today I was jealous. Today my heart ached.

As we battled through a specialist check up, I had to watch the anxiety build in my daughter. Silent but strong. Fear and irritation consumed her, followed closely by terror, as we progressed from appointment to lab work.

The transition led to tears. Then the flapping, stomping body. Then the yells…

I’m sure we looked like quite the scene. One melting down kid in one arm, another bewildered kid on the other, mom sweating, flustered, and weighed down with an oversize backpack.

Because autism doesn’t travel light.

In these moments, the stares from others are far from my mind. The medical staff we pass, fellow parents, and other patients. My focus has to be upon my girls as I implement all the calming techniques known to motherhood.

Once we arrived at the hospital lab, I saw another mom. She looked beautiful in a flowing summer dress; hair and make up perfectly maintained, such exquisite poise and composure.

Her two children, both younger than mine, were quietly seated as she completed a work phone call.

When their name was called, they stood up, glancing at my girl who was now beside herself, and smoothly entered the lab.

And I passed judgment.

The emotion of jealousy overwhelmed me as I kneeled on the hospital lab waiting area floor, cupping my child’s tear streaked cheeks in my hands, begging her to breathe in the shape of a box, while keeping my other child in my peripheral field of vision.

This sweet, unsuspecting mom was the object of my emotion.

But who was I to assume? To pass such judgement?

Perhaps she is up for hours at night?
Perhaps she cries dropping her kids off at schools and summer camps in order to get to work?
Perhaps she gets up before dawn to work out and shower because the rest of her day is overrun with chores and meetings?
Perhaps, she, like me, is just hanging in there. I should not have passed judgement based on fleeting appearances.

Goodness knows others probably passed judgement at us today. Because autism won. Anxiety won. Jealousy won. But I know better. I will not let that win! I am in charge. WE are in charge.

Judgement stems from a lack of understanding. A lack of awareness. By sharing our world, by educating others, this can lead to acceptance. Today, my daughters and I struggled.

Autism and anxiety threw their unwanted presence into the world around us. But we will grow. We will educate. We will advocate. And we will create acceptance.