The Push and Pull of Motherhood
Do any of you feel a constant push and pull as a mother?
Because I do.
I have four beautiful children ages 11 to 11 months. Every second of my life is full.
It’s messy and loud and so full of love and joy and lack of sleep that some days I just want to cry.
I miss reading. And sitting. And thinking.
It’s amazing too though. The best really.
But the push and pull. I’m feeling it a lot lately.
I spent the last couple of days with my aging father. He just turned 80. He has lost a lot of his mobility. His laugh is the same, although he doesn’t share it as much.
He’s lost his wife and the use of his left side and he’s different now.
Last night I watched my husband help my father into bed and tuck him in and little parts of me cried and smiled and thanked God.
This life. Pushing and pulling.
I found myself thankful that my dad is still with me and sad that aging is so hard. It’s a gift to grow older. It’s also devastating to watch parts of him turn off.
Anyhow, this morning, after a night of being awake dozens of times with a teething baby, and ready to pull my hair out, I said…‘I’m exhausted. Absolutely exhausted. Ready to give up.’
And I meant it. I’ve being doing this baby thing for 11 years now. I’m tired.
And my sweet father spoke to me about how short life is. How his is over. How he wishes he had it back. And so on. How I need to enjoy it. Be thankful.
Push. Pull.
He’s not wrong. He’s absolutely right. But I’m tired.
Life is hard right now. This season is nearly killing me. And yet, I know I will miss it the second it passes.
I think the lesson for me is…like aging…these hard seasons of babies and diapers and teething and no sleep are hard. And a gift.
I am lucky to have them. Like I am lucky to have my dad as he and I grow older together.
But it’s hard too. The day to day is excruciating sometimes. And that’s ok to say.
‘You have a beautiful life Katie Marie. Beautiful kids. You are so lucky.’ That’s what he said as he rode away.
And he’s right. Every word.
Happy Mother’s Day friends.
Photo: Me and Cooper on my first Mother’s Day ❤️❤️ and me and my dad last night with my fourth baby.
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