He has Always Needed Me Differently

I have four kids. All are very different. Unique in their own ways. And each demand something different from me.

That’s the beauty of motherhood I suppose.

Last night, my oldest son, had his first therapeutic horseback riding lesson. He is 11 and autistic and was excited and nervous.

He got on the horse. He did it. And as I walked alongside him, sweat dripping down my back, I felt joyful and a bit tired. I was the only mom in the ring, which after 11 years, I am used too.

And for a second, I wondered if it will always be this way…

With my second son I find myself in the bleachers quite often. I am the mom. The fan. I tease him that I am going to put a picture of his face on a t-shirt, so everyone knows exactly who I am cheering for.

My third, he is my truly independent, want to grow up immediately, I do it myself mama, son. He hasn’t needed me for years. And he is only three. He has always climbed to the tallest slide and ran down the road after the neighborhood kids.

But not my Cooper. He has always needed me differently.

When he was a toddler, I followed behind because wandering was his favorite. At four I climbed through the McDonald’s Play Palace. At five, I hid under a table with him during Christmas dinner. At six I held his hands around a plastic bat during Miracle League and ran the bases with him in tow.

At 38, I always get in the pool. I still slide down every slide, although my knees are starting to feel it more these days.

I encourage. I help him communicate with other kids. I am a buffer of sound. A gasper at trains. I lead the way. I follow behind.

And I watch the other parents. In the beginning, I remember I used to feel jealous. Wishing I could stand with a coffee in hand watching my kids play. And as the years went on, I wish I could sit in the lobby of Speech Therapy and relax on my phone instead of helping the therapist engage with my son.

It’s different now. I am different.

Last night I helped my son get on a horse. And I walked around the ring with him.

I was out there with the volunteers and trainer, horses and kids. Sweating. Worn down by the anxiety that tries to steal my son’s joy from time to time.

And thankful. Because he did it. He got on the horse. And I was right there for all of it.

I don’t know if I will ever be the mom who sits, even though there are days I wish I could. I don’t think that is my role in this story.

And that’s okay. Because a nice lady snapped this photo of me with Cooper and I have never been prouder of him.

Because he rode a horse. And I got to be there.

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and join our supporter page, Coop’s Troops, for an amazing community full of support and understanding.