I Don’t Know how to Fix This Either

I woke up this morning to a text message I didn’t send. The words were still in there. Typed. Staring at me when I unlocked my Home Screen.

I quickly thought about erasing them because then I could pretend I didn’t feel that way last night.

But, who would that help. Not me. Not anyone. And certainly not another mother who feels the same way.

I feel like I’m in a trapped place sometimes. And as a fixer, a doer, a plan maker, it’s really foreign to me.

I know what I should do. But I can’t put it into action.

I have one kid who is struggling in school and at the same time having big, huge emotions and feelings that seem to turn this house upside down. I’m taking the steps to help but I feel like a failure because I can’t fix it for him. And sometimes, he feels like a stranger. And I don’t like that at all.

I need to get my baby to nap without being held. And to go to bed at night earlier so I can feel human for at least an hour at night. And stop feeling guilty that I want certain parts to speed up because I’m exhausted and stretch thin.

I need to find a hobby. Things I love to do. I need to practice self care. I need to find time to do my work. I need to stop rushing. I rush through everything because there are not enough hours in a day to do what my life entails.

And I need to accept that I can’t change people. Even the people I love. And expecting them to is silly. I have to change what I will allow. And that is terrifying.

I know I should make a list, and a calendar, and plan and research and a decision or three but for some reason I’m just stuck.

So, for anyone else out there who adores their life and being a mother and a wife but just feels lost and alone sometimes.

Hi, my name is Kate. And I understand.

I don’t know how to fix this either. One baby step at a time I guess.

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and join our supporter page, Coop’s Troops, for an amazing community full of support and understanding.