Finding the Silver Lining

Today was not a good day. Yesterday or the the day before was not a good day.

My faith is shrinking.

My patience is thin.

My heart heavy and sad.

And a lump in my throat is persistent.

I sit with my head in my hands, holding back the tears. Tears of sadness, anger or frustration..I don’t know, maybe all at once.

He is so unhappy. He is so angry. Why does he always scream? Why does he always want to hurt us?

His OCD is so severe, it causes me anxiety.

We’re walking on eggshells and we are picking our battles. We lose most battles and we catch ourselves wanting to run away.

I keep asking why, why him, why us, why must he be in so much pain?

It is painful for him to mask himself, to be out of control in a situation, to not understand…to be in such a messy mental state, that he himself doesn’t know what’s going on.

He is so angry at us and at the world. It seems to be the only emotion he shows.

I have been bitten, head butted, hit with a spoon, kicked, pushed…

I FLINCH, I FLINCH AT MY OWN SON!

I hate it!

We would do anything not to set him off.

All these series often go through my mind, you know the serial killer ones like Mind Hunter etc. I have to stop and tell myself that you’re over thinking and to remember who he is…when we have a second or a minute of the happy child, the child not in pain, the child that loves us as much as we love him.

But then there are days like today where I wake him up, pick him up and I can see it…and my stomach starts to turn.

I immediately start having a mini panic attack because I know what’s coming, it’s written all over his face and immediately I go into fight or flight mode.

But in my head I say to myself be calm, stay calm, one second at a time.

Try this method or that method…

No weighted blanket.

No pressure points.

No music.

No distraction tactic.

No calm talk.

No.

Nothing.

Nothing helps.

It’s pointless and I find myself overwhelmed with so many emotions.

Anything can set him off…something as simple as forgetting his lunch bag at school or me not letting him take my food, because somewhere., I also have to eat….or something stupid like the wrong juice or juice bottle, not having 2 min noodles.

Some may say he’s just naughty. Nope. Something that small to us is something huge to him and then his emotions take over, and because he cannot control it or regulate it, he blows up.

And I promise you this boy can change his mood in a split second…from good morning Mommy and good morning gorgeous(he says to his sister) or I love you 100 Mommy to I don’t love you…I don’t want to play with you…don’t talk to me.

It is followed by a major meltdown, and then I say to myself, what just happened and what tornado is this???

This weather is unwelcome.

There’s moments like the picture below where he lies on my chest, kisses my face all over, where he grabs me and hugs me.

He has had my grandmother in tears, because for the first time since birth, he spoke to her…he told her he loved her and he kissed her.

Moments like two weekends ago where we could go out and have no meltdowns or moments, where he helped me pack out the groceries and helped me do shopping ,we remind ourselves why we do this.

We do this and we chose this for the good and the bad. The happy and sad. The easy and the hard.

Because when he was put on my chest for the very first time, that is the promise I made.

And many more promises after that were made by us.

That’s the promise God makes to us everyday….that he won’t give up and he will keep fighting for us. 

And so we will not give up on Zayne. We will fight for him and slay the scariest dragons, clean out closets full of monsters and be there.

We will be his voice, be his safe place and hold him tightly when his world is overwhelmed.

Does the bad outweigh the good? Yeah..but that’s what makes it’s so easy to look past on some days because in the rare good times we see him, we feel him, we understand him and he let’s us in to his world and it’s by far the most rewarding part of it.

So this..this is the ugly oddly rewarding part of Autism and being parents to a special needs child.

It’s about finding and acknowledging the silver lining when it presents, because no amount of meltdowns, therapy, doctors or bath time begging and pleading can replace that.

So just breathe…. One second at a time…. It will be OK.

Written by, Pearl Rowles

My Name is Pearl Rowles, I am from South Africa and my son Zayne was diagnosed with Autism 20th of April 2021. He is verbal and doctor says at a high functioning level. 

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Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.