I Know What It’s Like to Sit in the Dark

As a child I always felt different.

I had some dolls and Barbies but I never played with them. I’d rather have them set up or put new clothes on them. But I never played with them.

I remember first grade, my best friend was sick and ended up dying from a brain tumor. I cried a bit but the day I went to school I didn’t shed one tear.

The rest of the class was sobbing.

I couldn’t understand why some kids were crying because they didn’t even like my friend. I was sad that my best friend was no longer around.

Kids started picking on me because I wasn’t crying…so how could I be sad?

I was told I was a faker when I did try. I was unbelievably sad but I showed it differently than my peers.

I wish I could say this was the end of my troubles but it wasn’t.

As I got into my teens, life became more challenging. Parents divorced, moving to another province and having to make new friends. It wasn’t enough that I didn’t act like everyone else. I had to figure out how to be another person.

I learned how to mask even though I had no idea what it was called and what that meant.

I should have been good at it because after all having a narcissistic mother in my life led me to be more like her and less of me.

I always was in my own world.

My mother was always mad at me and told me to get into reality. I would never get my licence because I zoned out too much.

Fast forward to now! I have 3 kids and two are on the spectrum.

I know my youngest has Autism as well as myself.

I have struggled so much that I sit here at 36 years old and wonder who I am?

I know with everything that I am that I will support my kids and encourage them to be who they are! That there is nothing wrong with them. I will not be like my mother that only praised her only daughter when she seemed to be like her.

I have a lot to work through but I have hope in God.

I’m learning that my parents do not define me.

My disabilities do not define me.

My God does and in his word he says I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

So if you have walked down a similar path let it be known that I will sit with you in the dark

I will do what I can to comfort you and be a friend.

Written by, Courtney Derkatch

Follow on FB at Hang On Mama Needs A Moment-Give Some Grace To Autism

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