Dear Anxiety
Dear anxiety,
You and me need to have a talk. Because this co-existing crap isn’t working anymore. We need to set up some rules.
You have been with my son since birth, although, like his autism, we didn’t know until much later.
You are a thief. A thief of joy, of calm, of growth. His and ours.
I used to think of you as a monster. A loud, huge, lumbering monster coming right at us. Once I learned more about you, I could see you plain as day. You didn’t hide. You consumed. But you’ve morphed over time.
My son is 10 now. And with age comes changes. You are much sneakier. Allusive even. You hide for days, weeks, even months at a time.
And then one day I will watch my son attempt to get off the bus but freeze on the platform, the smile fading from his lips, the light gone from his eyes. As if he saw something that the rest of us can’t see. The need for some random object consuming him. A piece of colored paper. An obscure movie they stopped making in 1983. A snack we do not have.
I will reach for him, beckoning him to run to me. But he is frozen. Unable to move as if something has ahold of him.
And then I’ll see you. Anxiety. Holding his hand. Like a marionette in a way. You control his arms and his legs and his actions. But then he will smile, and I will know he is in there. You haven’t stolen him entirely.
I worry that one day I will lose him forever. To you. I know it’s possible.
I’ve started to accept that you will always be with us. Like a shadow of sorts. Sometimes ahead of us, behind, or even walking along side of us. You are part of our family in a way. We have to learn to co-exist. Please.
He is only 10 and he can’t tell us what you are doing to him and I just have to guess and pray and refuse to let you win.
But if you could just ease up. Let him enjoy his life. Let him see and feel instead of consuming him I would really appreciate it.
And if not, prepare for a fight. Because I will never let him go.
Sincerely, Cooper’s mom
Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.
