Mama, Will He Have Autism Forever?

You’re five and half years old now.

You’ve never asked me a question.

That’s the first thing that comes to mind when I notice how tall you are now.

Reading it takes my breath away a little. I blink back a tear or two.

After I take a deep breath, I remember. That’s not exactly true. You learned to request around your last birthday. You come up to me. Always wanting something when you stand so close. You say a very clear and beautiful, “popsicle”. With great intonation, by the way.

It’s obviously a question.

I will tap my mouth and then yours. I’ll begin with “I”. You’ll repeat and add “want popsicle”. A full sentence, though some prompting is necessary for that. I remember wondering if that would ever happen.

This is how we verbally communicate, you and I. There are more words too- cereal, chicken, Kool Aid, pizza, jump, swing, outside, Sundop. Your favorites.

If you want it, you ask for it and that also takes my breath away. Most of the time I give it to you. It’s been the best way for you to learn the power of words.

I hear mama maybe 10,000 times a day. Between your brother and sister, someone always has a question. Lila is rarely quiet. Okay, she’s never quiet. Not that I mind that. You won’t often find me wanting a child to talk less. The language rich environment you live in is her gift to us.

I like to wonder what you’d ask me if you could. Questions about your thoughts. Questions that are more than just to meet your wants and needs (though I can’t tell you enough how thankful I am for those).

You love our bedtime routine. You’re so excited to sleep with your big brother.

We head upstairs, stop by the bathroom, and you enthusiastically jump in bed. After some wrestling, we get you to relax enough for me to read. 

Charlotte’s Web, The Trumpet of the Swans, The Wild Robot. This week, The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. 

So many words floating around the space between us.

You listen. You try to jump and wrestle some more. Liam says his most precious prayers. I sing. And then to end each night, question time, as Liam calls it.

It usually requires Google.

What are the top 10 largest land animals? Why do giraffes have such long necks? Is time travel possible? What did people do before door knobs were invented?

Mama, will Asher ever talk? Will he have autism forever?

We don’t need words to communicate.

I’m fluent in “Asher”. You are the sweetest boy. I would never change you.

The best part is last.

You repeat my “good night”. You repeat my “I love you”.

I’ll be here. Always waiting to answer a question.

Written by, Caroline Bess

Caroline lives in North Carolina with her husband and 3 children. She is an elementary school teacher and enjoys spending her free time with family. She shares about their autism adventures on Instagram (@carolinehbess) and Facebook. 

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