The Christmas Moments I Envy
Christmas time has always been my favorite time of year.
The lights, love, festivities. The family and friends.
Growing up my mom and dad made Christmas magical even if they had to go without.
My mom would bake and decorate the house beautifully. You could feel the love the minute you walked in the house.
I always wanted to give my kids the same magical feeling.
As I got older, I understood that the magic of Christmas came from my parents. It didn’t come from a store.
Having a child with autism it is hard to make those memories that I did with my family.
Colby isn’t interested in gingerbread house or sitting on Santa’s lap.
He isn’t interested in the gifts that Santa brings.
The Christmas season is just another day for him.
It’s another day of goldfish and Lion Guard. It’s another day of soft blankets and swinging.
The first two years of Colby’s life were magical.
As a one and two year old gift giving was easy…we did the typical gifts: teething toys, cars, sippy cups, etc.
As the years go by, seasonal depression gets more and more real.
There are no letters to Santa.
There are no crazy gifts that I would need to spend weeks to find because he wants the toy of the year.
There is no comparing gifts with friends.
Before we had Graham, I think I did Christmas for me.
I wanted to continue the traditions my parents did. I wanted to make sure Colby knew he was loved and hoped that one day we would have those Santa moments.
Here we are with Colby at 5.5 and things haven’t changed.
The lights at home that make me smile are just another object.
I pray that as the years go on that Colby will feel the magic of Christmas time as I do.
I look forward to watching my kids light up Christmas morning as they see what Santa brings.
If I don’t ever get to see that with Colby I know he knows deep down that I would go to the ends of the earth to make each day a happy day for him.
I have moments of envy when I see people post the precious pictures of their kids dropping their letters off to Santa or decorating the cookies to be left out on Christmas Eve.
I envy those moments.
Maybe one day Graham will beg to go drop his letter off to Santa.
He will ask “mommy when can we make cookies for Santa?”
Maybe he will even question why Colby doesn’t want to do these things.
And that’s ok.
We will explain that Colby’s happy place isn’t on the lap of Santa or waking up at the butt crack of Dawn to see what the elves at Santa’s workshop work so hard on to fulfill the list.
We will explain that it’s ok to not want these things, that it’s ok to only want the few things that make you happy.
2020 has been an emotional and humbling year.
Although I don’t care to relive it, I have learned many life lessons.
I am blessed to have my mom, dad and aunt that have listen to me cry and vent about these things.
They remind me that everything will be ok.
Written by, Kayla Poulos
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