I Wasn’t Ready, But I’m Getting There
No one asked if I was ready…
At 18 months old, my daughter Vivian was typically developing.
She had always been “the last.”
The last of the children of her age group that we knew to learn to crawl, the last to walk, the last to utter her first word, “dog.”
But that was okay. She was still in the typical range.
Then she began withdrawing.
No one asked if I was ready to see my baby stop coming to me.
I wasn’t.
I wasn’t ready to watch as my daughter stared unblinking out a window for a bit too long to feel right.
I wasn’t ready to see her look away, unresponsive when her name was called.
I wasn’t ready to feel her shying away from me the first time my hugs were too uncomfortable, my arms too restraining and unbearable for her.
No one asked me if I was ready to feel in those first few months like I had lost all bond with my child whom I was utterly devoted to since birth.
The questions came from within and without:
Why did this happen?
What are we doing wrong?
How can we fix it?
What even is “it?”
The thinly veiled implications of fault came also from within and without:
She’s not outside enough.
She’s too isolated, and needs socialization.
She’s not eating right.
She needs to be on a better sleep schedule.
No one asked if I was ready for the extra expectations and pressures that come with being a mom of an atypically developing child.
I wasn’t.
The crushing weight of extra pressure stressed me.
Vivian’s withdrawal broke me.
I wasn’t ready.
We made a few changes while waiting for the “real” help, and started seeing the sun rise in Vivian’s face again.
That ever-elusive eye contact started coming back just often enough to start mending the pieces of my heart.
We still don’t have all the answers and I still feel lost at sea and a little bit broken, but I’m learning that answers aren’t everything.
I wasn’t ready, but I’m getting there.
The moments of Vivian just being Vivian…connecting or not, making mischief or not, happy or sad, excited or calm…she is who she is and she brings my heart joy just as she is.
Answers aren’t everything.
No one is ever “ready.” I may have started empty-handed, but I’ve picked things up along the way and I’m now better equipped than ever before.
No one asked if I was ready to start this journey, but this is one adventure I will never give up.
So ready or not…
Written by, Laura Boone
My name is Laura Boone. I’m a stay at home mother of a nonverbal, developmentally delayed, yet unstoppable two and a half year old girl, and I have a six month old son. Our personal journey and “Finding Cooper’s Voice” are inspiring me to share my stories.
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