The ‘Why’ of Nonverbal
I catch myself staring at my son and drifting off to another place.
In this place I think of what his voice would sound like.
I think of what it would sound like if he could call me Momma.
Over these past few years, I’ve realized time has stood still.
My son has progressed into an older version of himself. He looks older…but some parts haven’t progressed.
He should be telling me no, yelling at his sister as he chases her around the house and telling me what his favorite show is.
Why can’t he?
Why did this happen?
Why does he have Autism?
He doesn’t point. He can’t look at me while I speak. You don’t hand me objects to learn a tablet.
You don’t say I love you, or give me kisses.
We know absolutely nothing about what is going on inside your sweet mind.
The “why” of nonverbal drowns me.
I feel like I’m standing in a pool on my tippy toes and water is surrounding my face.
The depression hits me…then I get back on my tippy toes and we continue on with life.
But every now and then, that wave comes and splashes me back again.
If I never hear your voice, I’ll never accept it.
That’s one thing I won’t be able to deal with.
Yes, I want functional communication and I can find happiness in life but never hearing your voice until I see you standing next to Jesus is devastating to me.
The question of why are you nonverbal and what will our future look like is the hardest for me.
It’s a major hurdle in my life that I can’t wrap my brain around.
But until I walk through the gates in heaven with Jesus and God by my side and they can show me the reasons, I’ll continue to ask why.
Written by, Annie Smith
My name is Annie Smith. I’m a stay at home momma to three children. I have a 4 year old daughter and twin 3 year old boys. You can follow our journey on Facebook at Raising Different Disabilities. I explain and share awareness of my twin’s disabilities. Lucas has Cerebral Palsy, a feeding tube, Speech Apraxia, ADHD and an Airway Disorder. Jameson, his twin, has severe nonverbal Autism. God is a major part of our journey.
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