The Choices We Make

Sawyer,

Tonight you called me from dad’s truck after your hockey game.

I answered, even though my hands were full.

You screamed, ‘I scored a goal!’ into the phone. On my end I’m sure you heard screaming. But not in celebration.

See I was in the middle of a brutal meltdown with your older brother. A scary one honey. No ones fault. Not his. Not yours. One like we haven’t seen in 15 months. Not since the last time.

It was over the mail. And Amazon. And packages. I was doing everything I could to fix it. But he was too far gone. I’m thankful you weren’t here.

But none of that should have mattered. Because you scored your first ever goal in a tournament.

Today was a big day.

I cheered but it was drowned out by the screams. And the lamp hitting the ground. And then the door slamming.

I let you go. I hung up. And kid, I am devastated. I am sorry. I made a choice. I had to. I had to keep your brother safe from himself. But I feel like I failed you.

A few minutes ago, hours later, we twirled in the driveway and we screamed and we celebrated you. My hockey player. We talked about how one day, you, Sawyer, are going to be in the NHL. Because of tonight’s goal.

That is what I pray you remember. Not the missed phone call but the celebration after.

Someday you will read this, a diary of sorts, and maybe you will remember today and maybe not. The day you scored your first tournament goal. I cried tonight. Not because of the choice I made but because our life warrants the choice. I worried I was broken as I dusted myself off and waited for you to get home. But you never knew. I hope you don’t for many years to come.

Because you kid. You had a big day. And that is the only thing that matters right now.

A goal. Way to go.

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.