My Big Brother, My Angel

To my big brother and my angel,

We are surrounded by your memory daily. Even more so now as I go through my RBT (registered behavior technician) training trying to figure out what interventions we could have done if you were still with us. So many what ifs & could haves.

The fact of the matter is, you were diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome only a few years before your passing. Our family didn’t know what Asperger’s or autism was or even that something like this existed until you were in your early 30’s.

By then, you had been living on your own with a job at the Grimmway Farms factory. You had your own schedules and you followed them closely but no one thought twice about them.

Everyone thought “it’s just Doug”. Maybe it was you, maybe a part of it was autism. The way you lived, it worked. It worked until it didn’t but maybe you had it all right and we were the wrong ones. 

You were different but you were beautifully different.

One day, your mind started to play tricks on you. No one, not even you knew how to deal with it. In your later years you had so many friends, just not the living and breathing ones. I am writing to you to tell you it is ok and you are free now.

You are free now my angel. Your mind and thoughts are free. You are free to speak, you are free to laugh and you are free to be you.

Of course there are days that are harder than others.

April 2nd, Autism Awareness day.

September 12th, the day you were set free.

December 27th, your birthday.

Now these are the most difficult ones. They are heartbreaking but it reminds us even more how bright you shined. You were simply too precious for this entire earth to handle.

I believe you were put on this earth for a reason and I was meant to be your baby sister. Although I did not get the chance to grow up with you, hunt with you or get to spend much time with you, I know it was meant to be that way.

It has pushed me to want to learn more and keep your memory alive by asking people about you. By listening to stories about everyones time spent with you, watching people belly laugh and tear up makes me want to learn more.

It pushes me to do my job better. It motivates me. It inspires me.

You have four younger siblings who have always rooted for you. To this day we carry your wings on our back because they are a piece of us too. We drink mountain dew and we stuff our faces with snickers in your memory.

You didn’t always know how to express your feelings but I know you loved me. I know you were proud to be my big brother and I know you are protecting me from above.

Although, no I did not get many years with you, you have made the biggest impact anyone ever has on me. You have opened up my heart to a world I never knew existed. The world of autism and raising awareness.

The word autism and autistic have been used to describe you. When people hear this word, I watch as their face and voice change like this was something to be upset about.

Yes, you were austisic. No, you are not autism. You are NOT defined by this word. You are much more than a word. You were strong, beautiful, intelligent, funny, caring and passionate.

What many people don’t know was that you received the President’s Award for Educational Improvement for Mathematics in 1996 signed by the president himself. You were fifteen. Now that right there does not sound like something to be upset about.

So my big brother, may you continue to rest in a state of no judgement or harm and may your mind and soul finally be set free.

I love you always, 

Your baby sister,
Eya.

Written by, Mireya Hansen

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