Marrying Autism: Being the Spouse of an Aspie
In the media, people hear about amazing children with Autism, the challenges they face, and support that is available for them. This includes awareness, therapy options, communication skills.
However, there is almost nothing advertised about adults on the Spectrum. It’s as if Autism vanishes when kids hit 18, 20, 30, etc. Unfortunately, this is a far cry from the truth.
Autism is not a “childhood illness” that children can outgrow. Instead, Autism grows up. With that, the resources, assistance, and compassion dwindle down to nothing. They are merely forgotten statistics.
My husband is on the Autism Spectrum. He was diagnosed at age 3 with what is formerly known as Asperger’s Syndrome. He is 24 years old. Fortunately, he is verbal, (sometimes too much). His parents have done an exceptional job with raising him and helping him navigate in the neuro-typical world. He is sweet, kind, funny, and empathetic. His good looks don’t hurt him either!
Miraculously, this Aspie boy grew up into an Aspie man. Autism did not cease at age 18. His quirks and struggles are still very much real and can sometimes be problematic. He still has anxiety, mostly when huge events are coming up (family gatherings, work, sometimes trips to the store or crowded places). He has some (minor) meltdowns, in which he needs love and adoration. He has sensory issues, and occasionally angry outbursts. Being able to physically help him is challenging sometimes, as he is 6’4″ and I am only 4’7″. But I am learning along the way and adapting our strategies almost daily.
Autism has shaped the routines and the daily living in our home. For example, he doesn’t like spontaneous visitors or events. He is not a spontaneous person. When there are visitors, there must be an agenda, minute by minute of what to expect, both of him, and the event. Incentives are still given. He still makes me proud by how he copes with this.
Our house is almost always quiet. There are no loud music, TV, or hair dryers. I try to warn him before using the garbage disposal, the hand mixer, or anything that might be loud and startle him. It is a habitat of quietness and tranquility.
Sometimes, when I go to a restaurant or the store by myself, everything and everyone seems extremely loud, and I am secretly glad to be back in the stillness of our house.
When anxiety strikes, he paces our apartment, back and forth. Sometimes flapping his hands, sometimes not. When he can’t figure out words to express what’s wrong, it can be a guessing game for me, and most of the time with his mother on speaker phone.
Unfortunately, the inability for him to vocalize what is wrong, mixed with my aggravation with not understanding what he needs, can make this tedious cycle last for a couple hours. When he is having some rough moments, he tends to lay on the floor or under a table, somewhere dark and cozy. I have learned to just join him, so he doesn’t feel alone. He is extremely affectionate and spoils me with tight hugs and forehead kisses.
He has a registered emotional support cat, Maizy. She can easily tell if one of us is upset or “off” and will immediately force herself in our laps and demand love. We also have my registered emotional support dog, Sadie, that his family has had for 9 years.
I try to join his world as much as I can. I am still learning coping skills to help him more effectively. I try to remember that as impatient and exasperated I get during these “Aspie Moments”, the same feelings are bottled up in him.
Thankfully, he is a kind teacher and gives me constructive feedback once he gets grounded again.
He loves to spin, and his weighted blanket. He will sometimes flap, sometimes pace, or just chill out in our closet He likes tight hugs, and quiet spaces. I have learned that these quirks are commonly called “stimming”. He has always had a fixated interest in technology, especially computers
From the outside looking in, our marriage isn’t what society would deem as “normal”. We don’t do stereotypical things married people do. We have a lot of dates at home, and few dates outside our house.
We are not the “life of the party” and are happy being a couple of wallflowers. However, our relationship is still built with a foundation of love, trust, and acceptance. We respect each other’s struggles while still celebrating our abilities and triumphs. He is my best friend, most truthful (and loyal) confidante, and the love of my life.
His Autism doesn’t hinder us, but rather brings us closer. Our life is unique and special, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Written by, Sara J. Pate
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