Tonight, You Needed Me

Tonight you needed me. That sounds so crazy to say. You’re three, of course you need me. But, let’s be honest. Not really. Not like your sister needs me.

She needs me to ‘looooooook’ a lot. Look at a crumb she swears is a bug. Look out the window to see if the neighbor’s dogs are out running around. Look in the pantry to get another snack. Look in the basket of books to find the right one.

She seeks out my smiles and giggles. She gets louder and more intense if I don’t respond quickly enough. You though…you’re content. Your father and I joke that we could probably set you up with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, snacks and milk, and you would be perfectly fine to survive without us. 

Yesterday you fell. You tripped over a toy your sister had left out and hit your chin. As you got up, tears streamed down your face and I could see the bruise beginning to form and the bright red blood from where you hit.

I scooped you up to try and comfort your cries and reassure you that ‘Mama is here, buddy. It’s okay’.

You pushed away from me. You didn’t want to be held or hugged. You wiped your sleeve across your face, protested your hurting chin for a second longer to let me know you were not happy, and then walked away.

You didn’t need me. It was a punch in the gut.

I cleaned you up and then gave you the half hug you would allow all while trying to hide the few tears I allowed to fall. “Mama sad” a small voice said. Your sister gets it. 

Today had been a doozy. One for the books I guess you could say. You were up well before the sun. One thirty in the morning to be exact. So we started our day much earlier than usual.

We had lunch by six a.m. The afternoon came and went full of all your sounds. Sometimes it’s babbling, sometimes it’s screeches and raspberries being blown.

Meanwhile, your sister asked to paint, to go outside and look for bugs and flowers, to play in the water, asked for several hugs and to sit with me in the recliner and rock. She protested not getting to eat Nutella straight from the jar and having to clean up the two buckets of blocks and an entire basket of books she had emptied in a matter of seconds.

You kept me busy using your PECs book to request the things you wanted. More milk, a different episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, or to go lay in your bed when you needed an escape. You’re so easily pleased and content.

As the night wound down and you were ready for bed I scooped you up. All 46 pounds of you. Your legs wrapped around my waist a little tighter than most nights. Your face pressed against mine, your hairline a little damp with sweat from all your running and stimming after your bath.

Your body felt calm for the first time all day. Your sounds were quieter now as if you were telling me all about your day. I like to imagine you telling me all the things you can’t say yet.

Once I laid you down you rubbed your sleepy eyes and pulled my hand to your face. You looked so content, so peaceful, so at ease. I told you I loved you, that I would see you in the morning and to have sweet dreams.

I started to walk away and you pulled me back towards you. In that moment you needed me. Like actually needed me. Just to give you some extra loves before bed.

So, I stayed a little longer, rubbing your cheeks and your forehead. Enjoying the silent conversation we were having, feeling needed and loved.

We might need each other in very different ways right now but you, sweet boy, are always going to be so very loved and treasured. 

Written by, Monique Humphries

I’m a south Georgia mama to two beautiful babies. My husband and I have been on a wild ride with our little guy, but we’re figuring it out day by day. Our little girl loves her ‘bubba’ so much, and so do we.

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