Because of the Lockdown, I Can’t See my Son

Yesterday was Autism Awareness Day.

Autism awareness month is hitting our family hard this year, and frankly, my heart is broken.  

Many of you may know that my son Christopher is enrolled in a residential school for Autism, a school for kiddos with heightened behavioral challenges. 

We visit there every Wednesday, and bring him home on the weekends…every weekend, without fail.  

Until now.  

His school informed us that they are in lockdown.  He has been there, hunkering down, with his peers, teachers, and therapists. 

We were told if we brought him home, we wouldn’t be able to bring him back, until all this madness is over.  

For Christopher that would mean no more schedule, or therapy, or professionals who help him navigate the challenges of his diagnosis…and here stuck at home, we simply do not have access to those key components. 

Our fear was his significant regression, so…the difficult decision was made and although I know having Christopher there for now is the right thing to do, and that he is well cared for, in good company, and in great spirits.

I am sad.  

I am VERY sad. I am selfish. I want to kiss his face and squish his belly, and be with him.  I’m heartbroken.

And so, we wait.  

We call. We Skype. We Skype a LOT. I send toys to him through Amazon.  I play the guitar for him. I sing to him. I make silly faces and sounds, and he laughs on the other end of a tablet.  

But at night I cry.  

I tell myself it will be fine, and we’ll get through this, and I’ll see him soon, but I’m also breaking inside.

I hate this.  I hate covid 19.  I hate worrying about my family, and my friends, and hearing about people who are dying such sad deaths.  I hate missing my son.  I hate that all we can do is wait.  Wait in our houses. 

Wait for a curve to flatten…or bend…or anything but rise.

Christopher is sleeping now. Dreaming away.  He had a good day. He’s happy.  He’s thriving. 

He is oblivious of his Mom’s worry and sadness… s it should be!

Goodnight Kringle, we got this!

Written by, Laura

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