Today, I Failed
Today, I failed you. I yelled. You cried. I cried.
As we were doing our normal morning routine, fighting about putting your jeans on, I was already anxious.
Worried about how school drop offs would be, worried if you were going to get upset as I walked down the hall to leave the school… all the normal morning anxiety.
After the jeans debacle, you were finally dressed. Not without a little negotiation, of course. “First jeans, then bunny socks!” Harper has some socks with a bunny on the side… he is obsessed.
So, I have to coerce him into getting into his jeans, because then he knows his reward is bunny socks! Whew.
That fight is over! All is good, or so I think!
Next, he needs to take his allergy medicine. I head towards him, syringe in hand. It’s a no go! He runs, starts flailing, screaming, kicking.
So, I sit in front of him and calmly tell him, “you have to take your medicine, it will make you feel better… just a little bit!”
This went on for a good 5 minutes. I hit my breaking point, when he flopped and kicked me in the chin, on accident, but still… it hurt!
I grabbed his arms and stood him up out of the chair! All while screaming, “fine, that’s fine!!! Don’t take your medicine…go on!!!”
Ugh. Talk about a weak moment. I immediately regretted the words that came out of my mouth.
I turn around after putting the medicine up, and there he stands. Quiet… a blank stare on his precious face. Wondering why I just lost it, and screamed at him.
I went and sat in the floor and told him to come over to me. He did. I hugged him and started sobbing. Just repeating “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” over and over again.
I’m not just sorry for the yelling. That moment in the floor with him, hit me like a ton of bricks.
I was sorry for a lot of things. I’m sorry that he doesn’t understand. I’m sorry that he has it harder than most kids.
I’m sorry that he can’t express his emotions or get his words out.
I’m sorry that Autism consumes our lives. I’m sorry for becoming this walking shell of a human, that gets so anxious and stressed, that I take my frustrations out on you.
This isn’t an everyday occurrence, thank goodness. There are very few times that I actually yell at him, and lose my cool. But, today, was one of those days. And I felt like the biggest piece of crap.
I have spent the whole day beating myself up over this one little incident this morning. I know that when I pick him up from school, he will have the biggest smile on his face, and will be so happy to see me.
To be honest, he probably hasn’t thought about it again since it happened. But, I will never forget it.
I need to do better, for him, and myself. I hate feeling that Mom guilt. Sometimes, you have to lose your shit on your kid to put things into perspective!
Knowing that my child loves me unconditionally, despite some yelling here and there…makes me know that I’m not completely failing as his Mama!
Written by, Sarah Bybee
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