The Ability to be Vulnerable

Hi. My name is Carrie.

I have five kids, and my second son is diagnosed with autism. His name is Jack. He is fifteen years old, and over six feet tall.

As an autism mama, I am pretty used to advocating for the things we need, whether it’s an adjustment to his IEP, or a new kind of therapy, or a change in his medication.

This has not always been easy for me.

I have sat in many meetings, and through many appointments, with a bubble of rage in my throat.

I was angry, you see.

I was angry because my son had autism.

It is easy to be angry.

Getting angry allows us to skip over all the other feelings that are harder to bear and even harder to solve—fear, insecurity, uncertainty.

So we get angry. I’ve done it. Maybe you’ve done it, too.

We get angry with our spouse and the teachers at school.

We get angry with ourselves.

Anger can be very self-serving. It protects. It safeguards. It gives us a shell so we can crouch, and hide.

We are angry.

We deserve more.

We deserve different.

Oh! I almost forgot to mention this. Do you know what rides alongside anger, shotgun passenger to our rage? Righteousness.

After all, we are right.

We are so right we can’t stand it and no one else can stand us either.

We are right and we need things and if only someone could hear what we are shouting, well, maybe we wouldn’t have to march around making demands and being so mad all the time.

It doesn’t work.

That’s the thing.

This is annoying, and irritating, and also very, very true.

Anger has never gotten me what I want.

And what do I want, exactly?

Well, I want people to see my son and understand I am trying and we are all doing the best we can.

I want my husband to come home on time.

Anger doesn’t work.

Vulnerability works.

This, too, is annoying, and irritating, and very, very true.

Over time, I have had to learn this—the ability to be vulnerable. It has been a slow, careful process.

You see, every day I am forced to trust humankind. I turn toward the world and with outstretched palms, I present my complicated boy.

This is a very helpless, tenuous position. It’s like trying to balance upon frozen water with stilts strapped to my shoes.

In this process of removing my shell and exposing my hurt and my hope.

I learned a little communication trick along the way.

I learned that language and words can be very, very powerful tools.

In other words, I learned using I is vulnerable, and you is righteous.

Let me explain.

You aren’t doing it right.

I’d like to try a different way.

If you let it, this way of communicating will weave itself into every part of your life.

Maybe your marriage.

You’re never home on time.

I need you here.

Or your friendships.

You don’t support me.

I treasure your opinion.

But mostly, it will serve you as an advocate. This is the most important role of your life. There is no room for mistakes, or second-guessing.

You might walk into that room with fire on your tongue and heat within your spirit, but still, you must reach across the table, and offer yourself. It is the only way.

Together, I know we can help him.

Written by, Carrie Cariello

Carrie Cariello is the author of What Color Is Monday, How Autism Changed One Family for the Better, and Someone I’m With Has Autism. She lives in Southern New Hampshire with her husband, Joe, and their five children. 

Carrie is a contributor to the Huffington Post, TODAY Parents, the TODAY Show, Parents.com. She has been interviewed by NBC Nightly News, and also has a TEDx talk.

She speaks regularly about autism, marriage, and motherhood, and writes a weekly blog at www.carriecariello.com. One of her essays, “I Know What Causes Autism,” was featured as one of the Huffington Post’s best of 2015, and her piece, “I Know Why He Has Autism,” was named one of the top blog posts of 2017 by the TODAY Show.

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