The Secrecy of Aggressive Behaviors

When your child hurts you…

It’s happening in homes all over the country.

Including ours.

What would you do if a random stranger came up on the street and slapped you?

Well, depending on how my mood was and how many hours of sleep I got the night before, I assume I’d either call the police or puck them right back.

Both are natural reactions.

But what do you do when it’s your own kid hurting you?

When the frustration of not being understood gets to be too much for that child and they lash out in temper.

We may be their safe place but that’s also what makes us their punching bag.

For years now we’ve dealt with our son Logan’s aggression.

He had to leave school in the past at least once a week until we got him into the right place.

“Can you please collect Logan, he has bitten another student” or “Logan attacked the SNA today, she’s ok but we have to notify you.”

I got these constantly, and every time I got that phone call or read that note I wanted to cry.

The right CBD oil helped eventually, but I’ve had everything from bite marks to bruises, pinches, punches and pulled hair.

I’ve had pulled neck muscles from being dragged down and throbbing arms from his relentless scratching.

I have a scar on my chest where he bit me so hard he broke the skin, and that is there for life.

I don’t blame him, but I still feel helpless when he does it.

Yes, he can’t help it, I know… but try to understand it from the other point of view.

Being attacked repeatedly makes you feel exhausted…just plain weary.

And don’t even get me started on how it feels when they hurt themselves.  That’s for another day.

No one seems to want to talk about this.

I get it. It is embarrassing.

Both as his parent and his prey.

“I should be able to control him. I’m not strong or strict enough.”

“Surely if he knew how much I love him he wouldn’t do this. I’m not showing him enough love.”

And then the inner battle.

“Don’t let him get away with it. Tell him no.”

“Don’t make him worse by telling him no…that’ll only aggravate him and he can’t help it. Just let him off.”

“But I have to try and teach him.”

The cycle never ends in your head.

And what do you do when your once little baby is now a strapping 14/15 year old and you as his Mom are no match for him?

Or a 20 year old full grown man, but with an intellect and level of understanding years behind his age?

When times are bad here I often say to Brian that he will have to leave his job and I will return to work,  because there’s no way I’ll manage Logan as a teenager.

He’s 6 now and as strong as an ox already.

But that won’t happen because at the end of the day we need Brian’s salary to survive so I’ll be a stay at home Mom for good.

I’ve spoken to several parents privately over the last week on this topic.

I’ve heard it all.

Including plenty things I wish I never had.

I’ve heard from a Mom being woken up at 3am by the sound of her son smashing up his bedroom, and having to lock her door before he made his way to hers.

Mom’s standing on tables to try and keep safe while they try to phone someone for help.

I’ve heard of grown men getting punched by their kids because the local shop was closed and they couldn’t understand why.

Siblings being attacked, grandparents having to say they can’t babysit anymore because it all just got too tough, even pets in the house being a target of aggression.

What do we do with all this information? What is the solution?

• Therapies that the HSE can’t provide us?
• Medicating them, where we are judged and persecuted for subjecting our children to drugs, just for a quiet life…
• Deal with it.
• Or every parent’s worst nightmare, put them in somewhere?

Believe me when I say that is the very last straw for anyone and I feel nothing but respect and immense sympathy for anyone considering it.

It’s the last thing you’d ever want to do with your child.

The harsh reality is that special needs children grow up to become special needs adults and we as their parents age too.

We won’t always be physically able to look after them but the thought of someone else doing it kills us.

What parent wants to ever give up on their child no matter how hard things get?

It’s devastating.

What do you do when this is your every day life and no one seems to understand or even acknowledge it’s happening?

Well for my part, I try to give these parents a voice and a place where it’s ok to talk about it. I say it out loud so others may not feel so alone.

That’s what my blog is.

A place where parents won’t be judged for saying that sometimes they hate the stuff that life has thrown at them. And it’s just not fair.

Yes, I love my son, but I hate the behaviour that comes with him sometimes.
And that’s the awful truth.

Speak yours.

Written by, Elaine of LifeUpsidedown

Welcome to Life Upside Down. I’m Elaine, Mom to Kirsty who has autism, Logan who also has autismand an Intellectual disability, and Milo, our My Canine Companion service dog. This is our day to day life, spreading truth and awareness around Autism. You can follow us on Facebook and Instagram.

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Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.