Tomorrow We Will Start Again

It was hard for you this morning. I have no idea why.

You woke crying too early, the moon still visible.

Groans and nudges before one of us got up and shuffled to your room.

These are the moments we wait on your response.

There are mornings, early mornings, when your smile is contagious, your eyes bright and your antics ridiculous.

Those are the mornings I can smile back, fix myself a cup of coffee and take on the day like the superhero you’ve made me out to be.

And then there are the mornings, early mornings where your cries cut through my sleep, your body stiffens and arches and you scream with no obvious reason.

What’s wrong, babe?

Upset stomach or bad dream? Not enough sleep?

I held you, but you did not respond well. You slapped. You bit.

I cringed, corrected, and we moved on.

I know two things about these behaviors: you cannot help yourself in the moment and it’s my job to teach you how to better cope with your emotions, even in moments when your world, for whatever reason, is spinning out of control.

But I’m only human, and when I’m hurt I often automatically react instead of respond.

I’m sorry for that. Breathe, it’s only 6:05am. 

It was easy for you today.

We did what we always do, except the sound of the coffee grinder didn’t spiral you into tears, the sun wasn’t too bright and nothing in the world seemed to bother you.

This morning you played, your weighted vest calming your body as you moved and maneuvered your toys at an appropriate pace.

One of your therapists came, working hard with you and commenting on how much you’ve changed, the progress you’ve made.

We ventured outside and you pointed out every stick, leaf and rock on our short walk.

It was a good morning, a couple hours of normal and a welcome change from the day before, a day of constant redirection and therapeutic attempts, and worse, watching so carefully knowing that when you’re out of control, your body becomes less coordinated and you become more prone to injuries. 

It was hard for you this afternoon. You woke with another cry, stretching out as you opened your eyes but your body, it looked so stiff.

Are you in pain? Did you sleep well enough?

Yesterday was fine, what made today different?

Your body relaxed when I picked you up, there was no pinching, no hitting, no biting.

We cuddled, your favorite show playing in the background.

You were perfectly fine, relaxed even, but the bus was coming to bring your sister home and transitions into the afternoon are sometimes a little more difficult for you.

You tried so hard this time after I prompted kind words, gentle touches, and calm body, but something was still off.

Your focus wasn’t there, your run was more uncoordinated, and you began to scream in response to all your surroundings.

There were happy and excited screams, and screams for attention. And then at some point, you became angry, screaming when you didn’t get your way.

We counted and took breaths together as I applied deep pressure against your legs, waist, arms and shoulders.

You did a good job calming down. What exactly set you off?

For now we will just breathe. 

It was easy tonight.

You loved dinner, another welcome change, another chance to feel like something is working in spite of not knowing what tomorrow will bring.

You ran around afterward, helping out by throwing plastic dishes into the sink and piling the books and toys into a basket.

You transitioned easily as we helped you into your pj’s, brushed your teeth and changed your diaper.

You crawled into bed without hesitation, pointing out your favorite blanket and asking for your favorite songs. “Big hug Mama! Kiss!”

I held you and we talked about the fun we had today, the moments you were kind, the moments I want us to remember.

Goodnight, sweet boy, tomorrow we will start again.

Written by, Caitlin Downs

Caitlin Downs is a stay at home mom to two kids, ages 5 and 2. Her youngest is in the process of medical and developmental testing through multiple specialists. You can follow her community group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/478792639518655/?ref=share

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