The Goal is Independence
The other day I was talking about the future with another mama.
We were new acquaintances, brought together by one common thread.
Autism.
Our sons were the same age. 9. Both similar.
Ridiculously handsome, silly, very few words but still quite opinionated, and both very much in love with their mamas.
We were talking about the beginning. Making jokes about the hard parts. Tearing up over the almost unbelievably hard parts.
Then the middle part that we are in right now. The part where the pieces finally began to fall into place for our kids. And us.
The part where we as moms found our voices and figured out what really mattered in life.
Happiness. It’s always been happiness.
And finally, the end part. The future part. The unknown part.
The part that we don’t like to talk about. Not yet anyways.
Because no one can tell us what the future holds for our kids.
We don’t have a crystal ball. Or a professional that will tell us what to expect.
But, as moms, we both have a pretty good idea.
And we have reached this place, this almost calm place, where we can talk about it without crying. Or panicking. Or even fighting.
Over coffee, while the people around us talked about much happier things like buying new cars and vacations to Cabo, we talked about the goal of independence for our sons.
Because when you think about it, that is a parent’s job from day one, for any child really. To help them be independent. And not need you anymore.
A parents job is to give their child the skills to navigate the world.
And really, that’s no different than what we wanted for our boys.
Independence.
The ability to walk to a friend’s house unsupervised or the freedom to make choices about the future.
This independence thing has been shoved in my face lately.
See my son just turned 9 in December and he is growing up alongside his 14 month old brother.
Watching them learn independence side-by-side has been an emotional thing at times.
My baby will already rip his shoes out of my hand in an attempt to put them on himself or hold his fork and stab clumsily at food.
He will bring me little pieces of things he finds on the floor, no longer immediately shoving them in his mouth.
He wants to walk ahead of me and be with the big kids.
Independence.
Needing mom less. It’s starting for him.
Coop’s has never been like that. Not once. He’s never had that ‘I Do It’ attitude that so many children do.
If given the choice, he would always choose to have someone else put his shoes on him or even feed him. Everything still goes in his mouth and he would always choose to hold mom’s hand.
Independence has never occurred to him. Not yet.
My friend and I began to go back and forth about the future. In a way that only two parents could.
Will I ever be able to leave my son alone in the bathtub? Even just for a second. Will I be able to walk away and grab a towel without fear of him drowning? Or splashing all of the water out?
Will I ever be able to step into the shower while home alone with him? Because at age 9 I still can’t.
Will I ever be able to let him walk outside alone? Will he ever have anywhere to walk? And could I trust him to get there safely?
Will he ever understand stranger danger?
Will I ever not have to hold his hand in a parking lot? Will he ever learn that traffic is dangerous. And sidewalks are safe.
Will he ever be able to buckle his seatbelt? Bathe himself? Brush his own teeth?
Will he ever be able to grab his own snack? Or open his Capri Sun? Or use the remote?
Will our boys ever be able to go into a public restroom alone?
We realized we had more questions that answers. We also recognized that familiar weight that comes from discussing the unknown and our babies.
We changed the subject. It was time.
We had discussed enough for one day.
See, the goal isn’t to get our kids into some fancy college. Or get perfect scores on the SAT’s. We aren’t those moms. We know that.
The goal is to help our children become as independent as they possibly can be.
And that’s okay to think about. And talk about. In fact, it’s healthy. And very smart.
Because the future is happening every day. There is no stopping it.
I don’t have any more answers than I did a few years ago. I know that.
But I also know that my son has two parents who will never give up on helping him achieve as much independence as possible.
One day at a time.
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