They Will Always Have Each Other

On particularly emotional parenting days I’ll watch them sleep.

Brothers. Two years apart.

One on a typical path with friends, sports, and 1st grade.

The other on his own path. Doing everything at his own pace.

They share a bed.

Neither one acknowledging the other one until bedtime.

8:30 will roll around.

Sawyer will still be in the backyard hitting baseballs or riding his bike over a jump with his friends.

Like clockwork, Cooper will look around, grab his blanket with one hand, put his other hand on his check to mimic sleeping and say, ‘SSSS-AH-ER.’

‘You want Sawyer buddy?’

He’ll grunt a sound for yes and point upstairs.

I typically take him up and get him ready for bed while Jamie rounds up Sawyer.

At least twice Cooper will ask for his brother. He will tap the pillow. He will point to Sawyer’s side.

He waits. It’s honestly probably the only constant he waits for. It’s not me. Even though I’m his person. It’s his brother.

The second Sawyer gets inside and settled he’ll say, ‘where is Cooper?’ Even though we know he knows.

Once upstairs, he will climb into bed with his brother. Again, neither really acknowledging the other.

Kisses to both boys. Sawyer babbling nonstop about the newest fishing bait he wants, eventually asking for a glass of water and for me to leave the light on.

Cooper never asking for anything else. Never saying a word. No asks for a story or water or a million other questions. He has his brother. I guess that’s all he needs.

‘I love you Sawyer.’

‘Love you too mama.’

‘I love you Cooper.’

Silence.

‘Cooper, say I-LOVE-YOU.’

A jumbled grunt may come out. It may not.

I do that for me. I do it for Sawyer. And I do it for Cooper.

They need to know they are loved.

And here I stand. Watching. They always sleep together. They don’t have too. Yet they choose too.

I can’t help but think how Sawyer is growing up.

Someday, hopefully not too soon, he will not want to sleep with his brother anymore.

I’m sure some other kid on the bus will tell him it’s not cool. Or it’s weird. And he will stop.

He will be 9 or 10 or whatever age that happens.

Cooper will be two years older. Almost to the day.

On paper that means something. The bigger brother. In real life, it does not.

Cooper will not understand.

And one day, after that, Sawyer will leave home to go into the world. To start his life.

I wonder if Cooper will understand then. Two grown up boys.

One leaving. One staying.

I wonder what their relationship will be like then.

I pray to God it’s not a burden. I pray Sawyer looks back. I pray Cooper acknowledges him before he leaves.

It makes me sad to think about. Honestly, I try not too.

Because one day, in the not so distant future, I will say I love you, to one grown up boy, and not hear anything back. Maybe I’ll get a grunt.

But man, right now, I love that they have each other. Even if it is only at night.

It’s a start. It’s something.

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