Battling Anxiety and Depression When Birthday’s Come

I think it is very safe to say that most parents of children with autism are battling anxiety or depression…or a bit of both, depending on the day.

How couldn’t we?

From the time our children were tiny and specialists noticed they were ‘different’, we have been fighting every day of our lives.

Fighting for them to receive the therapies they need.

Fighting to have them included in this world.

Fighting to teach them all they need to know so that hopefully…one day…they ‘might’ catch up.

And this is where birthday anxiety comes in…for me anyway.

I was preparing for my daughters Mexican/Hawaiian themed birthday.

I had the llama piñata and the flower leis ready for the guests and was just getting the snacks put out on the table when I noticed a familiar feeling trying to creep in…depression.

I started talking to myself (which has become one of my favourite pastimes).

“Wendy, this is your daughter’s birthday…she is genuinely excited this year to have a birthday party…this is a big deal!

There were so many years where she didn’t seem to even acknowledge a birthday party, but this year she has been signing ‘friend’, pointing to the day on the calendar, pointing to her party icon!”

I responded to myself, “I know…and I am happy about all those things…but she’s 11…11…it seems like a blaring light in my face, shining on the fact that she is not where she should be…where other 11 year olds are.”

Usually, on days that aren’t her birthday, I can find many, many things to be grateful for and it pushes the sadness away.

But on this day, I was having a hard time pushing the sadness away.

I started to think about my 11th birthday. I was talking, going to the mall with friends, reading chapter books, talking about what career I might be interested in.

My daughters 11th birthday looked so different than mine.

Not bad…just…different.

My subconscious spoke up again, “I know…and you need to allow yourself to feel that grief…it’s okay to feel that grief.”

So that’s just what I did, while I made sure the Moana table cloth was fitted ‘just right’ on the dining room table, I let myself be sad. Because it is sad.

It’s sad when things don’t go the way we’ve planned and it’s okay to let ourselves feel sad. But we don’t have to stay there.

After about 5 minutes the sadness lifted.

It lifted without me pushing it away.

I saw my daughter’s eyes light up when the doorbell rang. She ran down to meet the guests and followed my instructions to put a Hawaiian lei around each of their necks.

She was so happy to have her party. It was a resounding success…by far the best one yet.

After the llama piñata was destroyed, the gluten free/dairy free cupcakes were eaten and the guests had left, I sat down and had a moment of gratitude.

I was very grateful for my ‘wise subconscious-self’ who talked me off the ledge of falling into the depths of depression.

I realized, once again…this journey of being an Autism Parent, is one where grief and joy walk side by side…and that is okay.

Grief and joy are both okay.

“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path, and leave a trail.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

Written by, Wendy Haley

Wendy is a Special Education teacher in British Columbia, Canada who has a passion for making the world a safer place for families living with autism. When she’s not working, she spends her time going to the gym, doing hot yoga, listening to copious amounts of podcasts and finding new hiking trails for her and her daughter Caia to explore. You can follow Wendy and Caia’s journey at https://www.instagram.com/alohalovewendy/

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