My Son, I Will Never Give Up

As I sit here watching you sleep, I keep thinking of the life I had envisioned for us.

God it is so different than our life now.

I saw football games, school plays and parties. Sleepovers with 3 or 4 wild and crazy boys driving me batty.

Pulling spiders and bugs out of your jeans pockets and me freaking out and telling you to take them outside.

I saw myself being a den mother because you told me you wanted to be in boy scouts like all of your friends. That’s what kills me pal.

Right now, you cannot tell me anything. You got robbed of all these things, and so did I. And I will say it. It’s not fair. And it is not right.

We don’t get to experience “typical” milestones. Instead we get anxiety and frustration from not being able to communicate.

Instead of play dates we get therapy sessions and demonstrations of hand over hand and using speech devices and Ipads.

How I long to have a conversation with you.

And ask you how your day was. Or what your absolute favorite color in the whole wide world is.

If I could take a guess, I would say it’s green. That’s what I have to do. Guess.

I guess and second guess a lot of the things I do as a mother. But one of the things I never have to guess is how much I love you and how much joy and happiness you bring to my life daily.

I am so sorry that you have such a hard life bud. I am sorry that you cannot speak like typical six year olds can.

I pray (and beg) God everyday just to let you talk. Just take my voice and let you speak. And to understand this world.

That is all I want Aydan. For you to grow up, healthy and happy and thriving in life.

To have the opportunities that every human being deserves.

To fight and advocate for yourself and for others. And to know that you will be taken care of after I am gone from this world.

Then some days, I see that glimmer of hope. Like today. You walked in from being at grandma and grandpas, looked me dead in my eyes and said “Hi” and waved.

I was so startled I just gawked at you for a few seconds before replying “Hi baby”.

Those are the moments that save me kid. And they are too far and in between.

I know you want to talk so bad. Your therapists said you are so smart, and have so much to say, we just have to find a way to get the words out.

We will figure it out. I promise you. You will have your best life. And if that means communicating with assistive technology, that is ok too.

I learn to find joy in the smallest of moments.

I looked for autism mom blogs to try and help you, and it has, but what it has really done is helped me. Made me realize that you are going to be fine.

I have felt comforted by words that were typed, from virtual friends that I have never met.

I feel a sense of belonging when I find blogs with amazing kids and amazing parents who are just like you and me pal.

I want you to know, I will never give up. I will never stop fighting for you.

I will be right beside you every step, hurdle, wall, mountain we have to climb.

I will be right there. 

Love, Mom

Written by, Nikki Wallace

My name is Nikki and I am the mom to one amazing son, Aydan, who just turned 8 this October. We also have 6 fur babies. I live with my husband in a small town in Ohio. Aydan was diagnosed with autism level 3 at around 4 years of age. He is technically nonverbal, but he can say some words and he is learning more everyday.

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.