My Son, You Have Always Been You

My son I have a confession to make. Back when you were little, I used to dream about a you without autism.

I was lost, and sad. Worried and confused. And I thought that there was a you, deep inside, that didn’t have autism.

I would search for him. I would think, once I find that you, this will be all better.

I just have to try harder. I was going to do everything in my power to get to that you.

The you who talked. Who played. Who made friends and told me stories. That was the you I needed to be happy as a mother.

God how silly I was. Not terrible. Not evil. Just naïve. Just scared and worried. And a little lost.

I had a baby who didn’t speak. Who hurt himself and spent his time throwing rocks at windows and fighting a world he didn’t seem to understand. Seemingly locked inside of his own head.

No matter what I did I could not reach you.

See it was my job as a mother to find you. But here is what I have learned after 8 years of searching. It just took you a little longer than others. And it took me even longer to see that.

My son, you have always been you. You are exactly the person you were meant to be.

You are the Cooper that was given to me on the freezing cold December night.

You are you. The Cooper who gasps at bumblebees, dances to his reflection, and the Cooper who may never talk.

The you I love. The you I treasure. The you that is my whole entire world.

You aren’t the wrong you. How silly is that to think? How can someone be the wrong version of themselves?

There isn’t a little boy inside of you who is different. You aren’t broken. You aren’t less than.

There isn’t an alternate universe where if something different happened, you’d suddenly be a different you.

There is just you. My Cooper.

That doesn’t mean I won’t push you or hope and pray for your best life kid. Because I will never stop doing that. I will never give up trying to make your life easier.

It simply means, I will never, ever, again expect you to be someone else. I won’t compare you. I won’t put you in a box.

Because there never has, and never will be anyone quite like you…not ever in the whole entire world.

Thanks for being you kid.

Interested in writing for Finding Cooper’s Voice? LEARN MORE

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.