I had Plans for us Kid

I had plans as a mother. Big plans. Plans that I can admit didn’t include autism.

Even today, after 8 years, sometimes I still find myself wondering how my plans got so derailed.

How we got here.

I’ll be giving my son a bath, washing his feet, and I’ll look up at him eating bubbles, throwing his head back, smiling, squealing, and I’ll wonder how this happened.

Or he’ll be having a meltdown, self injuring, and screaming over turning left, a walk to the park or a crinkle in his paper and I’ll drop to the ground to hold his body strong body.

I’ll wrap my hands around his face, pull him in, and help him breathe and I’ll wonder why.

Or, I’ll be helping him with his shoes and he’ll grab my face, turning my cheek to look at whatever is on his screen, Barney or a favorite train, willing me to see how amazing it is. The same scene for the millionth time. Year after after.

And I’ll smile of course. But inside I’ll wonder why. He’s 8. It shouldn’t be like this.

Why are we still dancing to Barney. Why am I still feeding him spoonfuls of yogurt, dressing him, holding his hand in a parking lot, playing peek-a-boo and clapping when something fun happens.

I want you to know that as a parent you can be standing squarely in acceptance. You can have your feet dug in firmly.

You’ve done the research. You’ve read the books and read the evaluations. You’ve been on the roller coaster. You got this.

You are fearless. Nothing phases you. You wear your badge of honor proudly. You don’t cry anymore. You rarely even worry.

And yet you can still wonder why. How. You can still find yourself in the ‘this isn’t fair’ and ‘it shouldn’t be like this.’ And the ‘coulda, woulda, shouldas.’

Autism wasn’t part of my plan. And because of it…everything has changed. But I also have this…I have a kid who has shown me the world in a completely different light. A kid who loves sounds, colors and the wind.

He forces me to slow down. To dig my feet in and fight. To sit on the ground when a break is needed and twirl in a store to The Wheels in the Bus.

He has taught me more about myself than anything I ever thought could. He changed my plans. Threw them up in the air. And despite the hard I got this amazing kid. A kid that made me a better person.

It’s not what I pictured. Not the plan I had in mind. But I also had no idea how unbelievably lucky I could be. I get to be a little boy’s forever person.

This life. It is not better. Not worse. Just different. With unbelievable joy and a little hard mixed in for color.

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Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.