What if he has Autism Mama

You were sitting on the living room floor trying to build a tower with your Legos.

At six years old you looked like a teenager sitting there.

Your baby face is completely gone. Your legs are getting long. Your hair so blonde and eyes so brown.

The baby was all over you.

On your legs. In your lap. Pulling at your toys.

You kept rotating away from him. But he was onto you.

You moved. He moved.

I hear you yell, ‘Harbor! You wild baby!’

I looked up and you two were now wrestling, rolling and giggling.

I didn’t know a boy could love a baby as much as you do Sawyer.

It’s been that way from day one. And hasn’t even remotely worn off.

If anything, you love him more as he grows into a toddler.

You once told me that Harbor took away your loneliness. That conversation is burned into my brain. The beauty, sadness and honesty of it.

You needed this baby. We all did actually. He’s the most perfect addition. He healed you. And oh my goodness does he love Cooper. Challenging him. Bugging him. Staring at him with pure adoration.

I went back to typing on my computer knowing that Harbor was in good hands.

A few minutes passed when the question came. The big one.

‘Mama, what if the baby has autism? Have you thought about that? Because I think I’d freak out.’

I sorta giggled at first. It was such an honest question from a six year old sibling to a boy with severe autism.

You are practically an expert and speak openly and honestly about the ups and downs. The highs and the lows. We have always encouraged that with you.

And because of that you are already an advocate. A fighter for what is right.

‘Yeah buddy, I’ve thought about it. A lot actually. I’m not worried though. Not at all. And you shouldn’t worry either.’

I finished with, ‘What worries you the most about it?’

I really didn’t know what you were going to say. I couldn’t imagine actually.

I watched you scoop Harbor up onto lap and run your hand through his feather hair. He beamed up at you while trying to wiggle away.

‘I just can’t imagine never hearing him talk mama. I really want him to say Sawyer. And brother. And Pokémon. But mostly my name. Do you think he ever will?’

I choked up. I wanted to immediately scoop you up and hug the worry away but held back. I knew if I made a big deal you’d get nervous. You’d shut down.

I had a speech therapist recently tell me that many siblings struggle with never hearing their names spoken aloud. I know you struggle too kid.

While I selfishly want to hear mama, I want him to say your name more. You need it. You deserve it.

‘Yeah buddy, I think he will say your name someday. Please don’t worry about it. He’s still little and already babbling away.’

“And you know what? I think Cooper is going to say your name too someday. Don’t give up hope. Not ever.’

I went onto say, ‘Would you love him any different if he didn’t learn to talk Sawyer? If he did have autism?’

You smiled at me and kissed your brother’s cheek. I heard you whisper something into his ear. A secret between brothers.

And then you two were back to playing.

I never asked you what you whispered in his ear. I didn’t need too. I knew.

You are all heart kid. And learning to navigate some pretty big stuff at 6 years old. Stuff that a lot of adults struggle with.

I don’t think I could love you any more.

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Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.