The Role of a Big Brother

I know being his big brother is different than you imagined…

You were 4 when I was pregnant with our rainbow baby. You knew mommy was pregnant before this but the baby didn’t make it and we would try again.

You were beyond excited. You told me you secretly wished it would be a sister but you were totally ok if it turns out to be a brother.

After we found out for sure it was a boy you exclaimed “oh, I change my mind mommy I’m so excited to get a baby brother”.  

And the day you met him I could see love light up in your face that I didn’t even know was possible in a small child. He was yours!  

You would protect him and teach him things.  You were so helpful and wanted to be right by his side at all times. 

As the years went by I saw you take your role as big brother so seriously. Never one ounce of jealousy of attention or time spent.

In fact you would even ask to buy him something whenever you had birthday money to spend. I would watch you do the math in your head and pick a cheaper toy so you could also buy him something.

My heart filled with joy!

You loved that he couldn’t say your name well and called you Bubba instead.  Only he could and would call you that and you were so proud! 

As your baby brother got older you knew something was different. We tried to explain that he wasn’t into cuddles as much as you. That he shows love differently.

That’s always been so hard for you. Even now that you are 14 and he is 10 I can see you want him to look up to you, like most younger siblings do. And he does!

Just not in the way you imagined or in a way that’s easy to see. We joke about how in this house the roles are reversed a bit.

The younger sibling is suppose to beg the older sibling to play with them, to include them and to teach them things. But in our house Autism has changed that.

You constantly try to get your younger brother to allow you to show him something, to play video games with you or just hang out with you. 

I want you to know I see YOU!  

I see the effort you make every single day. I see the frustration when you go to ask him to play with you and before you can get out 2 words he screams “get out of my room”.

I try to explain to you not to take it personally, but I know you do.

I see the disappointment when he isn’t interested in the same things you are. You have so much you want to show him and teach him.

I see it break your heart when you try to comfort him or hug him and he pushes you away.

I see the heartache when you watch other people with their siblings and they get the experiences you want, and always thought you would have. 

I see how you take up for him and explain to others that he’s different. I have seen you be there for him during my battle with breast cancer.

I see your protection even stronger now and your concern for his understanding of what is going on. 

Please know that even though this life and your relationship is different than you planned, it is amazing!  Your love for him is pure and true!  

You both are so lucky to have each other. You may not realize it but you DO teach him so much!  Not in the way you would like, but I see him learn from you.

He is learning unconditional love, because that’s how you love him!  

He is learning to never give up, because you never give up on him!  He truly believes you when you tell him everything is going to be ok!

You give him hope when he sees mom not feeling well and you tell him that I’m strong and I will bounce back. He is so lucky to have you as a big brother!  

Never change my oldest boy! For you have taught us all to be better!

I am so lucky to be your mom and he is so lucky to be your baby brother! 

Written by, Dana Vinson Mull

I am married with 3 children – blended family. My youngest is on the spectrum high functioning. We live on the coast of NC and I’m currently battling breast cancer but will beat it!!!

Interested in writing for Finding Cooper’s Voice? LEARN MORE

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.