Acknowledging the Forever

I am a ‘take it one day at a time’ kind of mom. And some days, when my kids aren’t sleeping or I feel like I am losing my mind, I’m a ‘take it one hour at a time’ mom.

Just make it through the day. To bedtime. Or through the night.

The sun will surely rise. This mothering thing will be easier tomorrow. It’s a new day.

But I want you to know that I didn’t start to truly accept my son’s special needs until I began to feel all the feelings.

The hard ones. The scary ones. The icky ones. The ones that other people judge me for.

You know…the people on social media that know my son better than I do. The ones who have never said this stuff is hard. Who are perfect.

I swear if I ever meet them in real life I am going to give them a trophy.

Over the last year, I started to acknowledge the forever of all of this.

I started to accept that this is not going away. Not ever. That no matter what…this is reality. Yes, I will never give up. I will give my son his best life. But no matter what I do…I can’t make him talk. Or grow up cognitively. It’s out of my hands.

So, I let myself feel all the feelings over the parts that may never happen.

I used to shy away from them. I’d see a group of kids his age playing, talking, laughing and I’d get that feeling in the pit of my stomach.

The sadness. The longing. The jealousy. And I’d push it far down into the depths of my heart and run the other way.

Or I’d be washing my son’s hair or feeding him his lunch and my mind would drift off to the future. Long-term care. Group homes. Abuse. I am going to die before him. He can’t live without me.

Like a tidal wave all of the worries and thoughts would level me.

And I’d run from them. I’d consciously stop the thoughts. And move on. One day at a time I’d tell myself.

But I don’t do that anymore. I started acknowledging the realness of this.

I started by giving myself 5 minutes to feel it. I’d say in my head, ‘I am sad because…’ And I’d let the feelings wash over me. Almost like a movie. Then I’d move on.

Then, once I was able to do that I started saying the words out loud. To my husband first. Then my family and friends. ‘I am so sad because of….’

That changed me people. It helped me more than anything.

I stopped running. I stopped being numb. I let myself feel. And it made me a better mother, wife, advocate and person.

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.

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