I Thought About Running Away

After my son was diagnosed with autism, I had all these different thoughts running through my head. Almost manically.

I needed to help my kid. I needed to make this okay. 

I thought about moving away.

I felt like this label had been tattooed on his forehead, destined to follow him everywhere.

So, if we went to a new place, a new city, a new school district even, then they wouldn’t know.

And it would be fine.

He would be fine. Because no one would know he was autistic. Right?

I mean we just needed more time. More time for him to get better. To start talking. To learn to play.

I could teach him. And then it would be fine.

I thought about running away too.

Grabbing Jamie and the dogs, selling our house and leaving Minnesota.

Maybe we would move to Alaska. We could move to the middle of nowhere and live in a cabin, Jamie and I could work remotely, and I would home school my son.

I thought if we did that, then no one would know that he had autism. And it would be no big deal.

And it would be fine. Because autism wasn’t that big of a deal. 

My son was just a challenging, delayed three year old little boy. He could catch up though.

At that time, autism was just a word.

I didn’t know that it would eventually change everything, touching every single aspect of our lives.

Or that he would grow into it. With ups and downs and turns and twists.

I didn’t know that it would always be changing. And yet staying the same at the exact same time.

I remember thinking, what a huge thing autism was to put on a child’s shoulders.

In a way, I felt like giving him the label made him autistic. Unfairly.

So, if we just outran it, then it wouldn’t be real.

It took me a long time to realize it was real. That it wasn’t going away. And that it was really serious.

And that no matter where we went, new city or remote cabin, he would still be autistic.

It was the most helpless feeling I have ever felt.

Not being able to fix something for my child. Something so huge.

My advice…talk about the hard parts.

Don’t hide them. Or run from them. Keep talking. Sharing.

Trust me, it will keep you sane.

Interested in writing for Finding Cooper’s Voice? LEARN MORE

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.