Where Would I be Without Autism?
I had an interesting experience this past week.
My husband and I volunteered to be apart of a research study looking at how having a child with autism affects our marriage.
There were a lot of expected questions like, “what things are more challenging when you have a child with autism compared to other families?”, and “how do you cope with the stress as a married couple”.
Some of the questions were hard to answer, some were very easy.
There was one question that struck me to the core that I didn’t know how to answer.
“Where would you be as a married couple without autism?”
I had to take a breath. Were would we be?
In our world autism is such a large part, I would even say a defining characteristic of who we are as individuals and as a couple.
Where would we be? I have no idea.
The more I thought about it the more I realized that I don’t want to know.
Autism can be hard, all consuming, isolating, and challenging, and challenging in a good way. It forced us at the start of our marriage to challenge the way we look at the world, how we value others, how we determine what victories are, what struggles are, and how much care and attention we put into helping our children grow.
Autism has Affected our Victories
Autism has made us slow down and enjoy all of those small moments.
This past week we have been marveling at Ruby because for the first time in her life she is trying to sing.
It has happened a few times, she will say a few words of a song as it plays but she will try to change her voice to follow the melody and hold out the notes.
For another family, having a 5 year old sing a song is common place, to be expected. But for us, our 5 year old that is considered to be non-verbal trying to sing…. I am tearing up as I write this because it is such a magical and precious thing.
These are victories that others might not understand, but for us they touch us to our core.
It’s not just her small victories we celebrate, we naturally celebrate all of our kids small victories because we learned to from her.
When my 1 year old points to his mouth and says, “teeth”, then points to the bathroom to tell me he wants to brush them I am in awe. He knows what is supposed to come next for our bedtime routine and can tell me about it!
Yes I run and tell my husband because, although small, it is another victory in his journey.
Autism has Affected our Parenting
Since our daughter was our first, autism has shaped our parenting for the better and all of our children have reaped the benefits.
The countless hours spend in speech and occupational therapy, the books we have poured over on child development, and countless professionals that have been in our lives, all have contributed to our understanding, our determination, our patience, and bringing joy and fun into our family’s life.
We are more patient than we would have been, more understanding, more creative in our ideas of how to help them grow.
We get down on the ground and play with our kids constantly because that’s how my daughter learns the best, and it turns out how all of my kids learn the best.
We get to make memories with our kids through play and create new things.
One of the latest things we created with Ruby is wolf-Chase. We have a puppet of the big bad wolf who wears a mask of the character Chase from paw patrol.
When we put them together, what have we got? Wolf-Chase.
This is one of Ruby’s many creation and it’s so fun to see how her mind puts things together!
Autism has Affected our Marriage
Autism has helped us learn how to negotiate.
Negotiation in marriage is a necessity.
Autism brings in a whole new level to negotiation because what we are negotiating is our daughters future. It takes the focus off of what we want as individuals and helps us focus on what would really be best for her as a team.
One of the things we have been negotiating lately has been what types of therapies we should continue for her when school starts.
What brings in the most value to her and what adds too much stress.
We have been at odds on this in the past, but when it comes down to it, we both want what is best for Ruby and our family and we approach the issues as a team.
Developing the team mentality has helped us negotiate other issues that come up in our marriage and we are stronger for it.
Honestly, autism has brought us closer as a couple.
When you hear that your child isn’t going to develop as other children and there is no way to know what is in store in her future, it is scary.
It’s like walking down a dark path filled with large rocks and I never know what I am going to stumble on next.
It’s also like walking down that path holding the hand of the man I love, pulling each other up as we go.
Then I realize I am also holding the hand of my child, my precious child, and all three of us are helping each other towards a future that seems to get brighter with every step.
Where would we be without autism?
We wouldn’t be us. I wouldn’t be me, and I am grateful for it.
Written by, Amanda Gray
My name is Amanda and I am the mother of an amazing daughter with autism. I recently started my blog to help other parents through this journey, to help my extended family get to know Ruby, and for myself, to help encourage me to stay intentional with her development. You can follow our journey on my blog Developing Intentionally, and on Facebook or Instagram.
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